Seeking a second opinion + going to the plastic surgeon

After endless trips to the company doctor and unsuccessful tries to sew up the wound, I finally took Mom's advice to go for a second opinion at a proper surgeon. Dr Lim was Mom's surgeon more than 10 years back and I was really skeptical about his skills (am sure his eyesight would have deteriorated since he was already 50 plus ten years back).

My trip to his clinic turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made. He took a look at the infected wound, thought for a while, and told me honestly that while he is a surgeon, he has never done any surgery on the face and hence he strongly recommends me to go to a plastic surgeon as "it is the right thing to do". When I told him that I have been trying to avoid a plastic surgeon because of the cost, he chuckled and started dialing on his phone. He told his friend that he is sending a patient over ("a young pretty girl") and "she said she has been avoiding a plastic surgeon cos you guys are too expensive."

Am not sure if it helped in giving me a good price but after going to the plastic surgeon (another grandfatherly figure at a rundown clinic at Lucky Plaza), I felt much better and the pinch of $1000 for the operation seemed less painful cos he really seems to know what he is talking about when he explained the situation, the options and the procedures. He said he has to slice more skin around the wound cos it has already turned bad and was caving in. By cutting fresh skin, the scar would be smoother and flatter. He also wanted to stitch 3 layers (because the hole is too big and deep) but in the end he opted for a deeper stitch instead because the flesh is too brittle (or I think he used the word "fibrous").

The process of lying on the operation bed again was actually quite painful... (I have been on it almost on a daily basis from 2 weeks ago). It's the fear of pain combined with the feeling of helplessness. When they place a cloth over my face with just one opening for the cheek area and a light shining at that wound, I honestly feel like I'm at the mercy of whoever it is that is going to cut me up. Then the sharp pains will come either from the jabs or the poking of the area.

I wish with all my heart that this time it will really, really heal. I have a feeling that it will. Dr Chua actually gave me a choice to either wait a few more days to be 100% sure that the wound is clean before sewing it up, or to sew it up now because it looks clean enough. I took the chance to sew it up now cos I am really am quite drained over the whole process. I am praying hard that the next time I post, I will already be on the road to recovery.

P/S: I once again thank my family members and friends for all the care and concern shown through calls, texts etc. It's really very touching to know that everyone is praying for me and trying to cheer me up. I will try my very best to keep my spirits up.

Faith of a mustard seed

Everytime I read the passage about how we could move mountains if we have faith the size of a mustard seed, I always wonder how difficult that could be.

But now, as I go through this extremely testing period fighting the infection and feeling totally helpless about the whole situation, I finally understood what it means. I hate this rollar coaster ride of emotions. I hate acting like a child and crying over a wound that won't heal and keep oozing pus and blood, and the frustration that I can't even do simple things like washing my face or chew properly. I hate the fact that even though I am already trying to do everything I can - eating loads of vitamins, sleeping as much as I can, trying to stay cheerful (unsuccessfully), the situation ain't improving. And most of all, I hate myself for not even wanting to pray anymore cos I doubt it will help, AND THEN feeling guilty about not having enough faith.

I know that there is a reason for everything. I know that God is still in control and He won't make us go through something that we can't take. I know there is something to be learnt in the midst of the mess. It's just that, it is so depressing to fight both physical and mental exhaustion and pain, and at the same time, worry about what my bosses think about me taking time off and mc to see the doctor for the op, the infection, the second op and the daily dressing etc etc. It's a constant battle between me telling myself that I really need to rest and keep a relaxed mind in order for the wound to heal, and me feeling rather irresponsible for resting at home.

I have been showered with loads of words of encouragement, prayers, visits and phone calls these few weeks, and I feel thoroughly blessed and grateful to have so many wonderful people around me. I never like showing my emotions and am clumsy at comforting people, but now I realised that care and concern, even if it's just in the form of a text or email, really goes a long way to someone who is feeling despondent.

The battle is nevertheless internal, and I know I need to have more faith as an individual to get through this trial, which once again humbled me as it's the second time in two years that I realise I am not as strong a person as I thought I'd be... I need to once again go through the drill - hang on, wait, and trust.

妈妈的手

前几天动了一个小手术，把三个礼拜前生了在脸上的cyst割了出来。在手术床动手术的时侯，医生对我说：“你妈妈真好，在外面等你。”

妈妈上个礼拜来新加坡conference。本来礼拜六就回香港了。后来知道手术安排在礼拜一，特地放下手里的工作，留下来给我壮胆。

今天在送妈妈去机场的途中，突然感到很惭愧。在我最需要的时候，妈妈总会放下自己的事情陪我。拔智慧牙的时候、去法国散心的时候、动手术的时候。。。那一双我常常推开的手，同样是为我们煮饭的手、烫衣服的手、放胶布的手。猛然发觉这些都不是必然的。也渐渐明白什么叫“任劳任怨”。

比起其他妇人，妈妈的手或许是粗炼的。她也说过因为吃药的关系，手指都肿了，戒指也难戴了。但我相信，妈妈的手，绝对比其他妇人的美丽、也让我们产生一辈子的感激。

后记：

戴胶布不化妆上班的第一个礼拜。不过习惯就OK了！

终于拆线了! 还要戴多五天的特别胶布。