It was another mad, mad, mad week at work. Was on MC (again) yesterday but worked till 9 plus in the evening. Then had dinner at 10pm... such "healthy" lifestyle.
To summarise the up and down of the week (yes, just one "up" and one "down"):
Down: The talk with the director was awkward, and she made it very clear that she was not happy. To be exact, she felt "disturbed" and "short changed" by my decision, and just shrugged when I apologised for the inconvenience. Was quite a major difference in stance compared to a month ago when she said she'd respect my ultimate decision.. :( but I understand that everyone has temper, and I cannot expect everyone to agree. She does have a reason to be unhappy.
And I take comfort in the fact that even C gave me support, that "there are bound to be people talking about you, saying that you cannot make it. Don't care... just don't care. As long as you are happy and are at peace with yourself." And ML said "don't be affected. we will wait for you!" when the director said technically she can hold back the officer for transfer cases.
Thanks C, A, ML, and J for the support. Deeply, deeply appreciated.
Up: Am flying to Shanghai tonight to see queen phua phua! A good holiday with phua and sis! :)
Friday, June 25, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
7th attempt at sharing
Had loads of fun doing an early McDonald's breakfast and catching up on the latest with Sis, Chick and Hwei yesterday morning (yes, 9am is considered early for a SAT breakfast. Haha!)... and then had such a blast in the evening with Faye, SH and Wens at the miniest, cosiest and healthiest BBQ. Sis and Mr. Jang were totally blown away by the stuff that Faye prepared, and I must say that the food was really one of the nicest that I have tasted. And yes, the company was superb. Like I said, the attendance was small in quantity but good in quality. Too bad Alice and Lil can't join us, but am sure they were too having loads of fun somewhere else in the world with their husbands...
This week's sermon is on anger, which was again a very relevant and real topic. There are so much unintended consequences when we unleash our anger on someone else. We might regret and apologise later, but most of the time what is done cannot be undone. And if the person is unable to handle the hurt properly, those angry words can destroy and scar him/her for the rest of his/her life. Worse, it is likely that he/she would repeat the same action/words to another person, and this would eventually become a vicious cycle.
What spoke to me was Rev Song's example of a parent saying harsh things to a child, either because he/she is angry, or because he/she wants to use the reverse pyschology to "encourage" the child. Either way, this could hurt the emotional development of the child. I said this spoke to me because my mom had quite a nasty temper when she was young and I recalled very clearly that there was once where she said "why are you so useless? why do you like to make people hate you?" I think she really didn't mean it, and I was admittedly a super recalcitrant child. But that left something on me till this day, and though I don't blame her for it, there are still some parts of me that couldn't really let go. And hence perhaps, the constant need to try to seek approval (by being more responsible?) and never feeling that I am good enough or have done enough... :/
That said, I also need to remind myself that I need to exercise patience towards her. As parents grow older, they tend to be a bit more sensitive and childish (Rev's words... not mine.. haha!) and hence, we need to remember to hold back irritable words and learn to refrain from lashing out at people.
Not easy actually, but shall try my best...
This week's sermon is on anger, which was again a very relevant and real topic. There are so much unintended consequences when we unleash our anger on someone else. We might regret and apologise later, but most of the time what is done cannot be undone. And if the person is unable to handle the hurt properly, those angry words can destroy and scar him/her for the rest of his/her life. Worse, it is likely that he/she would repeat the same action/words to another person, and this would eventually become a vicious cycle.
What spoke to me was Rev Song's example of a parent saying harsh things to a child, either because he/she is angry, or because he/she wants to use the reverse pyschology to "encourage" the child. Either way, this could hurt the emotional development of the child. I said this spoke to me because my mom had quite a nasty temper when she was young and I recalled very clearly that there was once where she said "why are you so useless? why do you like to make people hate you?" I think she really didn't mean it, and I was admittedly a super recalcitrant child. But that left something on me till this day, and though I don't blame her for it, there are still some parts of me that couldn't really let go. And hence perhaps, the constant need to try to seek approval (by being more responsible?) and never feeling that I am good enough or have done enough... :/
That said, I also need to remind myself that I need to exercise patience towards her. As parents grow older, they tend to be a bit more sensitive and childish (Rev's words... not mine.. haha!) and hence, we need to remember to hold back irritable words and learn to refrain from lashing out at people.
Not easy actually, but shall try my best...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
The wise man spoke again...
I was bugging Mr. Jang again the other day on the same work topic.
After thinking about it for the umpteenth time, I asked, "Do you think this is a better way of phrasing it?"
"Huh... why do you always feel the need to explain yourself?"
"No mah, I just wanted to make sure that there ain't any bad feelings between the parties involved after this."
"I think you think too much of what others think. I mean, why can't people just do what they want with their lives? What's wrong with that? "
Again, I was stumped by the simplicity of his argument.
Argh. I wish I was a man.
After thinking about it for the umpteenth time, I asked, "Do you think this is a better way of phrasing it?"
"Huh... why do you always feel the need to explain yourself?"
"No mah, I just wanted to make sure that there ain't any bad feelings between the parties involved after this."
"I think you think too much of what others think. I mean, why can't people just do what they want with their lives? What's wrong with that? "
Again, I was stumped by the simplicity of his argument.
Argh. I wish I was a man.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
:x
Tomorrow is the much dreaded talk (again!) with the director. Am so not looking forward to it, especially after what dajie told me at lil's wedding dinner last Sat.
But face it I must, because I feel fully responsible for it.
I will handle it with as much care as I could.
Wish me luck.
But face it I must, because I feel fully responsible for it.
I will handle it with as much care as I could.
Wish me luck.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Mr. Happy
Quite recently, I asked Mr. Jang, "What must I do to be happy?"
He is obviously a much happier person than me so I felt that I ought to consult him.
"You just don't need to think too much."
"Really?"
"And you need to have breakfast."
"......."
Er.
So what makes this man happy is that he can have food and he doesn't have to think so much.
Ooook.
He is obviously a much happier person than me so I felt that I ought to consult him.
"You just don't need to think too much."
"Really?"
"And you need to have breakfast."
"......."
Er.
So what makes this man happy is that he can have food and he doesn't have to think so much.
Ooook.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
6th attempt at sharing
The sermons in the month of June are centred around the Seven Original Sins. Pride, envy, anger, greed, lust, gluttony and laziness. This week we are at the 2nd one - envy.
(scripture reading from Mathew 20:1-16)
The main points are:
1. A grumbler/envier always feels that he/she deserves than others.
- Perceives others as undeserving and does not rejoice in the happiness of others.
- Has an unrealistic sense of "entitlement".
- Is never satisfied nor content cos' nothing is ever enough.
- Feels that God/others have let him/her down.
2. But, God's grace and love are freely given and not based on our own "worthiness".
- God views things very differently from us!
- God is not obliged to treat others or you according to what you deemed fair.
- When much is given, much is also demanded of that person.
3. Always inculcate a spirit of gratitude and thanksgiving!
For those who are married/attached/looking for a partner, always appreciate your other half and never compare him/her with others.
(scripture reading from Mathew 20:1-16)
The main points are:
1. A grumbler/envier always feels that he/she deserves than others.
- Perceives others as undeserving and does not rejoice in the happiness of others.
- Has an unrealistic sense of "entitlement".
- Is never satisfied nor content cos' nothing is ever enough.
- Feels that God/others have let him/her down.
2. But, God's grace and love are freely given and not based on our own "worthiness".
- God views things very differently from us!
- God is not obliged to treat others or you according to what you deemed fair.
- When much is given, much is also demanded of that person.
3. Always inculcate a spirit of gratitude and thanksgiving!
For those who are married/attached/looking for a partner, always appreciate your other half and never compare him/her with others.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Final decision
Ok - decision reversed after consulting countless people on boss' latest offer.
Prayed. Check.
Support from VIPs in my life. Check.
Internal peace. Check.
That's all you need. End of story. Stop feeling bad. Move on.
Prayed. Check.
Support from VIPs in my life. Check.
Internal peace. Check.
That's all you need. End of story. Stop feeling bad. Move on.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
That constant request to call
I realised that I am really not good with words. The closer I am with someone (e.g. family), the more embarrassed and less inclined I am to express my feelings... I mean, I just feel weird.
Anyway, Mom sent both me and sis a separate email today telling us how much she and dad miss us, how they feel happy yet sad that both of us are married off now, and her request for me to call her more often (yes, I confess that I only call when I need to ask them something - I see the phone as a very functional tool). Sis actually teared a bit after reading the email, but I just went "errrrrr....." (like, what should I say in my reply??)
In the end, the best I could do was this:
"家家(Sis)比较喜欢讲电话嘛. We will try to fly back more often :p"
(then I attached a photo to the email, in hope that a picture really speaks a thousand words)
Anyway, Mom sent both me and sis a separate email today telling us how much she and dad miss us, how they feel happy yet sad that both of us are married off now, and her request for me to call her more often (yes, I confess that I only call when I need to ask them something - I see the phone as a very functional tool). Sis actually teared a bit after reading the email, but I just went "errrrrr....." (like, what should I say in my reply??)
In the end, the best I could do was this:
"家家(Sis)比较喜欢讲电话嘛. We will try to fly back more often :p"
(then I attached a photo to the email, in hope that a picture really speaks a thousand words)
I mean, sorry Mom, I am really not a mushy/emotional person and when it comes to these things, I just lack the aptitude to do it. I mean, I gave Mr. Jang the same "errrrr......" reply when he proposed.
But that doesn't mean that I don't love you guys right? It's just that I don't say it in your face.
Right.
But that doesn't mean that I don't love you guys right? It's just that I don't say it in your face.
Right.
Farewell-ready
Had a fantastic girls' night out with SH and Alice yesterday evening at ION - superb dinner + yummy italian gelato. Last week was a dinner + one-on-one talk with dear Faye. Two weeks ago it was a very short but nonetheless enjoyable drinking session with Yuin Chien. Today it was catching up with good old Jeff over lunch at Tampopo.
It's like... I'm already beginning to say Goodbye. :/
It's like... I'm already beginning to say Goodbye. :/
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
I'm "the wife"
Went to meet Mr. Jang's colleague from Taiwan yesterday evening and for the first time in my life, I felt like "the wife". Was tagging along, carrying gifts, smiling politely and making small talks. Not sure what made me make the connection but for a brief moment, I had the vision of world leaders greeting each other during official visits, and then there at his side, a few steps behind, would be the spouse giving the gentle nod and smile, acting like a 小女人, supporting the husband silently.
It was really quite funny...
It was really quite funny...
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Doing it... my way
I made a rather major decision a couple of weeks back. Not sure if the decision could be rated on a right-wrong/good-bad scale, but felt a sense of relief after letting it all out. Had been thinking about it for some time but never found the courage to do so. A lot of people asked me "so what was the breaking point?" I seriously don't know. I only know that something suddenly hit me and I realised that I really just cannot go on like that.
Was work too much to bear? Not really. Think I've been handling it quite well. Was it because I wasn't interested in the issues that I was handling? Don't think so. Anyway the job scheme requires officers to be flexible about the issues that they are handling. One can't be choosy anyway. So was it because of the work environment? Am not sure. Of course, there are protocols to follow and a certain level of rigidness but ain't it the same for all other mins? So what is it? I really can't pinpoint to a particular reason. All I know is that I need a change in environment. Somewhere where I can start afresh and be able to re-prioritise things in my life. Could it be an early mid-life crisis? Perhaps when people reach a certain phase in life, questions like "do I want to live like this?" and "is there something I can do to change it?" will start popping up.
Most people I spoke to said that it's a pity, esp given what I have built up in the past 2.5 years. Thing is, knowing myself, I follow feelings more than logic. And right now, I feel that things aren't right.
Ok maybe I am being too idealistic. But then I do want to try and chase after my kind of ideal life. At least, I try right? And it takes courage. I can't totally extract myself from what society deems as the "correct" thing to do. There is a constant need to justify the decision... even to myself. But naive as I may be, I am willing to take the step.
As the song goes, "if I fail, if I succeed, as least I did as I believe." 5 years down the road, I will look back and said that this is the best decision I have made. Because I did it my way.
Was work too much to bear? Not really. Think I've been handling it quite well. Was it because I wasn't interested in the issues that I was handling? Don't think so. Anyway the job scheme requires officers to be flexible about the issues that they are handling. One can't be choosy anyway. So was it because of the work environment? Am not sure. Of course, there are protocols to follow and a certain level of rigidness but ain't it the same for all other mins? So what is it? I really can't pinpoint to a particular reason. All I know is that I need a change in environment. Somewhere where I can start afresh and be able to re-prioritise things in my life. Could it be an early mid-life crisis? Perhaps when people reach a certain phase in life, questions like "do I want to live like this?" and "is there something I can do to change it?" will start popping up.
Most people I spoke to said that it's a pity, esp given what I have built up in the past 2.5 years. Thing is, knowing myself, I follow feelings more than logic. And right now, I feel that things aren't right.
Ok maybe I am being too idealistic. But then I do want to try and chase after my kind of ideal life. At least, I try right? And it takes courage. I can't totally extract myself from what society deems as the "correct" thing to do. There is a constant need to justify the decision... even to myself. But naive as I may be, I am willing to take the step.
As the song goes, "if I fail, if I succeed, as least I did as I believe." 5 years down the road, I will look back and said that this is the best decision I have made. Because I did it my way.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
To be a parent or not
Finished the last round of PA training session on public speaking with Diana Ser today. Wanted to post a photo of the session here but seriously, no one will look close to decent beside her. I have become a fan because she is so pretty! And she's got substance. It was the second time that I was sitting in and I was not bored at all.
Fave line of the day: "No matter how good you are, how hard you try, there will be a portion of the audience who will absolutely hate you. What do you do? Go to your room, lock the door, cry into your pillow, wipe your face, then go out again."
I like that. Rephrase it into i) you can't please everyone, ii) it's ok to feel sad, and iii) move on. Period.
She also gave two good parenting tips. One, make your child FEEL as if they have made the decision themselves. And two, sometimes, to communicate means NOT to communicate at all. Let your child reflect on the situation themselves.
We spent the afternoon with baby Claire who came by with her parents for a swim. For the first time, I truly realise how much committment and energy bringing up a child needs. I absolutely have no idea if I am ready to take on such responsibility, despite my self-proclaimed goal of closing shop at 30 years-old. I have no confidence at all in communicating with children, to maintain their attention and strike the balance between teaching them and playing with them.
Gosh. If only I don't have to go through the child's growing up age, and he/she heads straight to the adult phase where I can communicate with them in a rational manner.
Will I ever, ever be ready?
Fave line of the day: "No matter how good you are, how hard you try, there will be a portion of the audience who will absolutely hate you. What do you do? Go to your room, lock the door, cry into your pillow, wipe your face, then go out again."
I like that. Rephrase it into i) you can't please everyone, ii) it's ok to feel sad, and iii) move on. Period.
She also gave two good parenting tips. One, make your child FEEL as if they have made the decision themselves. And two, sometimes, to communicate means NOT to communicate at all. Let your child reflect on the situation themselves.
We spent the afternoon with baby Claire who came by with her parents for a swim. For the first time, I truly realise how much committment and energy bringing up a child needs. I absolutely have no idea if I am ready to take on such responsibility, despite my self-proclaimed goal of closing shop at 30 years-old. I have no confidence at all in communicating with children, to maintain their attention and strike the balance between teaching them and playing with them.
Gosh. If only I don't have to go through the child's growing up age, and he/she heads straight to the adult phase where I can communicate with them in a rational manner.
Will I ever, ever be ready?
Friday, April 16, 2010
Sweetness from an almost stranger
I have set up an office FB account because I got to join a FB group for work and didn't want to scare people with my usual grouchy self. Have added a lady who has left before I came in as friend. I met her only once or twice when she came back to hand over something.
Have really refrained from posting grouchy/suicidal posts on this account because really, it was for a functional purpose. Therefore, was quite surprised when one day she PM me to ask me how I was and to take care. Perhaps it was because I felt that she was really a very nice lady and wouldn't tell on me, so I ended up telling her about the heavy workload, the ppl etc. The correspondence continued for a few days, and she was always very encouraging, giving me tips on what to expect from who and who etc etc and telling me that if it's really bad, just leave because someone she knew actually jumped because of stress.
I mean, to have her show even the tiniest bit of concern, when I almost don't know her at all, really make me marvel at how such kind souls still exist in the workplace today. If everyone is as nice as her, work and life in general will definitely be much more bearable and enjoyable.
Have really refrained from posting grouchy/suicidal posts on this account because really, it was for a functional purpose. Therefore, was quite surprised when one day she PM me to ask me how I was and to take care. Perhaps it was because I felt that she was really a very nice lady and wouldn't tell on me, so I ended up telling her about the heavy workload, the ppl etc. The correspondence continued for a few days, and she was always very encouraging, giving me tips on what to expect from who and who etc etc and telling me that if it's really bad, just leave because someone she knew actually jumped because of stress.
I mean, to have her show even the tiniest bit of concern, when I almost don't know her at all, really make me marvel at how such kind souls still exist in the workplace today. If everyone is as nice as her, work and life in general will definitely be much more bearable and enjoyable.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
My Thursday
Here's the evidence that I've always been an uptight kid. Barely one year old and I'm already having the "eeeeergh" expression with clenched fist.
Suay suay tonight is the only night that I didn't bring my laptop home and was asked by my AD to send one submission for clearance. Chased by media again for the umpteenth time, and wasn't able to concentrate on my long awaited steamboat dinner. Yes, that was the reason for my broken telephone line syndrome... wasn't really listening the convo. Sorry guys. hee. (sheepish)
Anyway, no matter how bad or good the day has been, it is still a day that the Lord has made. Will rejoice and be glad in it! And what's the other song? Yes, He holds the future and I can face tomorrow because He lives!
Jia you!
Suay suay tonight is the only night that I didn't bring my laptop home and was asked by my AD to send one submission for clearance. Chased by media again for the umpteenth time, and wasn't able to concentrate on my long awaited steamboat dinner. Yes, that was the reason for my broken telephone line syndrome... wasn't really listening the convo. Sorry guys. hee. (sheepish)
Anyway, no matter how bad or good the day has been, it is still a day that the Lord has made. Will rejoice and be glad in it! And what's the other song? Yes, He holds the future and I can face tomorrow because He lives!
Jia you!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
With a pinch of salt
Had to work this morning cos we were running a training session for the PAs. Thank God the session ended on time. Managed to grab a short lunch with Mr. Jang before heading off to meet Faye at Parkway (missed her so!).
Anyway, we went to this cafe in Katong called "with a pinch of salt". Food and price were quite OK (similar to "everything with fries") but what attracted me was the decor. There was a kind of girly cutesy feel to it. It was quite deserted when we reached cos they had just finished a birthday party for kids and were cleaning up the place.
Anyway, we went to this cafe in Katong called "with a pinch of salt". Food and price were quite OK (similar to "everything with fries") but what attracted me was the decor. There was a kind of girly cutesy feel to it. It was quite deserted when we reached cos they had just finished a birthday party for kids and were cleaning up the place.
Anyway, not recommending the place if you are looking for good food, but it's a nice enough hangout if you want to just chit-chat over simple drinks.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
My not-so-bad-afterall Wednesday
Ok, I know I looked super 披头散发+油腻+包包脸 (read: horrible) here but these are the stuff that would brighten up my day. The green bag I was holding contained half a fluffy cheese cake, which we finished this very evening. Yep, me + Mr. Jang + Sis. Sis refused to be in the photo cos she claimed that she looked terrible. As if I looked any better.
Anyway, thanks to Hwei and JY for the SMSes today. Simple SMSes but they lifted the corners of my mouth on an otherwise grumpy face.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Mais pourquoi...
Took MC again today cos the headache that had been bugging me on and off since last Thu got worse. Only way to relieve it was to smack the top of the head continuously, but this almost always got me scolded by either Sis or Mr. Jang. I hope the pain killers from the doctor works.
I must really really jiayou. Cannot go on feeling drained and falling sick all the time.
But am already exercising quite regularly, eating healthily (or at least made the attempt to), and sleeping as early as I can on regular days. It can't possibly be a mental illness cos despite the usual grouchiness towards work (which I think is quite common), I think I am generally a happy person.
So what the heck is wrong with me??!
I must really really jiayou. Cannot go on feeling drained and falling sick all the time.
But am already exercising quite regularly, eating healthily (or at least made the attempt to), and sleeping as early as I can on regular days. It can't possibly be a mental illness cos despite the usual grouchiness towards work (which I think is quite common), I think I am generally a happy person.
So what the heck is wrong with me??!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Easter Sunday
It's Easter Sunday today. The church was packed this morning because we had a combined service instead of the usual 9.30am/11.30am slots.
Congrates to Al, who got baptised this Easter. Praise God!
Not sure if it's God's way of speaking to me but this morning's sermon about fear and faith was wonderful. And as if it wasn't enough, when we went for Rev Gan's mother's funeral this evening, the pastor talked about not just having faith (信仰), but to have confidence (信心) as well.
I don't have confidence that I will be able to meet people's expectations all the time, but I have confidence that wherever He leads, He will provide. He won't dump me in a place and leave me there to struggle and rot by myself.
So thank you again, Lord. In Your time, You gave me enough setbacks to remind me to be humble, and at the same time you inject encouragement and praises here and there to help me go on. You are simply wonderful. :)
Congrates to Al, who got baptised this Easter. Praise God!
Not sure if it's God's way of speaking to me but this morning's sermon about fear and faith was wonderful. And as if it wasn't enough, when we went for Rev Gan's mother's funeral this evening, the pastor talked about not just having faith (信仰), but to have confidence (信心) as well.
I don't have confidence that I will be able to meet people's expectations all the time, but I have confidence that wherever He leads, He will provide. He won't dump me in a place and leave me there to struggle and rot by myself.
So thank you again, Lord. In Your time, You gave me enough setbacks to remind me to be humble, and at the same time you inject encouragement and praises here and there to help me go on. You are simply wonderful. :)
Saturday, April 3, 2010
A very enjoyable Saturday
Had a wonderful Saturday R&R-ing with Mr. Jang. Woke up at 11.30am and after taking my own sweet time to wash up, we headed to Orchard 313 in search of The Pink Dress for Sis' wedding in May. But alas, no such luck. Not even after shifting our operation to Takashimaya. Now I realised now much my own jiemeis had gone through to find That Royal Purple Dress for my own wedding earlier this year. (Sorry, ladies!)
On a separate note, JOOP at 313 was having a sale and I bought 4 tops and a mini skirt for a total price of $50 within 30 mins. I love a good sale, especially when there was a big sign at the door that said "nothing above $19.90". :D
Mr. Jang and I also officially started our mattress hunting today. The current love of our lives is this super comfy mattress at Sealy (Posturepedic/Grand Pinnacle) but it came at a whopping price of $12,000 after discount (original price is $16,000). Looks like we'd have to work real hard if we want to buy this, unless we don't get a car so soon, or my next job could give me a 25% increase from my current pay. Haha... but yes, time to really start doing up the budget and saving up again.
On a separate note, JOOP at 313 was having a sale and I bought 4 tops and a mini skirt for a total price of $50 within 30 mins. I love a good sale, especially when there was a big sign at the door that said "nothing above $19.90". :D
Mr. Jang and I also officially started our mattress hunting today. The current love of our lives is this super comfy mattress at Sealy (Posturepedic/Grand Pinnacle) but it came at a whopping price of $12,000 after discount (original price is $16,000). Looks like we'd have to work real hard if we want to buy this, unless we don't get a car so soon, or my next job could give me a 25% increase from my current pay. Haha... but yes, time to really start doing up the budget and saving up again.
Good Friday
The English Presbyterian churches' combined service at Expo was covered in CNA today. Couldn't find the video (which had footages on how Jesus had suffered and was eventually crucified) but there was a brief report (see here). Was quite impressed with the programme this year, especially with how well the members had acted out the emotional scenes leading up to the crucification.
Definitely tugged at my heartstrings. Just like how the movie The Passion of the Christ did a few years before, especially when they sang Via Dolorosa.
(If you can't view the video, click here)
Thank you, Father, for the strong reminder that we are all sinners before Christ and should love and forgive unconditionally and wholeheartedly, just like Christ did.
Definitely tugged at my heartstrings. Just like how the movie The Passion of the Christ did a few years before, especially when they sang Via Dolorosa.
(If you can't view the video, click here)
Thank you, Father, for the strong reminder that we are all sinners before Christ and should love and forgive unconditionally and wholeheartedly, just like Christ did.
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