Reflections

Have been reflecting on quite a bit of things in the past few weeks: work, relationship, friendship, family, personal life etc. Realised that actually life could be very simple. You can do the things you like, you can live the way you like. Nobody can stop you from doing what you want to do. The thing is, I think people put pressure on themselves sometimes because they are scared of the consequences when they don't follow the norm. Not a lot of people will admit this but I think it's true. All of us are scared to a certain extent of being criticised/laughed at/ostracised etc etc right. So everyone tries (to a certain extent) to live the way people expect us to. And when we don't do what is expected, or don't follow the norm, the pressure to "justify" our actions comes. Either way, we ended up being super tired - doing the things that are expected of us, and then trying hard to justify it when we don't. So why not we just do the things we want? I don't laugh at you for being you, so don't laugh at me for being me. Period.

Second thing is, I really don't want my faith to be a faith of convenience. I really want to mean the things I say, and to believe what I say I believe. Not to mould certain things in a way I want it to be, just so that I can justify my actions. Yes means yes. No means no. A clear distinction between what is right and wrong. And if I had done wrong, I admit it. The lunch with F the other day, and the difference I sense in bro, touched me. Really really.

Third thing is, I don't think I am suited for the job, primarily in terms of the level of energy needed. I've been in the service for a total of 3 years now and have been falling sick continuously - I don't think this can go on. Not that I don't like the job (in fact, I do), just that between work and health, I will definitely choose the latter. So after this year's project, and possibly another one next year, I will make plans to slow down and scale down. And find time to enjoy the last couple of years of being a 20 plus.