wrote this on 30 Dec... on the flight back to HK :)

Year 2010
“It is in the act of facing the storm that you discover what lies inside you and decide what lies before you.”
It is that time of the year again where I (together with million others in the world, I presume) look back at how we have done in the past year and then set new resolutions for the coming year. Funny how, when I think back, that my resolutions are more or less the same year after year, and I never seem to be able to achieve them. Therefore this year, I should apply the backward engineering approach to see if I can come up with something more achievable. Let’s see, my confirmed plans for next year is to move to a new house, maybe try for a baby (?!), and… I don’t know, I guess the most “confirmed” plan I have is to not to have a plan (especially in terms of work) and just take things as it comes.

So many things have happened this year that were totally unexpected. Oh no no, the wedding IS part of the plan although I have openly admitted that I don’t know when I will ever be ready-ready since I am still such a girl inside. But my decision to quit my job and then come back is unexpected (that and the dramatic lunch with the bosses where I felt horribly apologetic and cried, yes, shame shame!) And then my involvement in church ministry is unexpected. Still feeling like a klutz cos not sure how to do it well but am sure that God will provide. Mr. Jang and I are already going to sign up for classes on this together. Yay! Love classes.

Ok, I am digressing and rambling all over the place here. But allow me to do so since it’s just once a year. Talking about doing well… yes I still have an almost insane tendency to want to do well for a lot of stuff. I want to be a good wife, a good sister, a good friend, a good colleague, a good worker, a good citizen etc. Is it possible for a person to be “good” in every role? I realised the problem with me is that I don’t care if it is a yes or a no, I just want to do it! And and and, greedy me want more than just to be “good”. I want to learn. I want to learn more about everything – the world, different languages, cooking stuff, arts & craft, work skills, health habits etc. Maybe that is the reason why I burn out so easily. I am greedy, and I take “live life to the fullest” a little too literally. Am bursting with so many things that I need to do that I am going at 1000km/h.

Coming back to the stuff that has happened this year, I think the best way to describe it is that things did not turn out the way I thought it would be. I had envisaged that I will continue to shine in my new posting. Yes, shine. I had no doubts about my ability to pick up new skills and adapt to a new environment, but I was wrong in that I did not expect myself to be torn between two places – home and work, and I did not adapt well in my new roles. Even till now I still cannot completely let go of the fact that I had overestimated myself. But then, I discovered that once I let go of my pride and accept a lesson in humility, I feel happier and stronger. Maybe it feels like accepting myself as an imperfect person for the first time, and then having the courage, energy and enthusiasm to start all over again?

“Your heart is revealed and your character is forged when life does not turn out the way you planned.”
Indeed. I learnt that I am a vulnerable, less-than-perfect person, and I have also become wiser and more patient with myself. If I could live all over again, there is not a single thing that I’d want to change.

So, here’s to 2010. May it be a lesson to not plan so much in advance, take things as it comes, and learn something from it, come what may.

And may 2011 be an even more unexpected year! Oh… exciting!!