One year on...

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last wrote. I could come up with so many excuses but none of it is valid. I mean, how hard it is to scribble a few words each day, to say thank you for the experiences, thank you for living yet another day?

Cutting the long story short, here are 3 highlights of what I thought was worth putting down in words:

1. Day trip to Tai-O with Mama and Yipo.

I am determined to spend more quality time with Mama and Yipo after Yeye's passing. The void is hard to fill but in their remaining years, I want to create more happy memories for them and with them.

I took a few days off during Chinese New Year and flew back early to stay with them at New Territories. After doing some research, we went on an 'adventure' to Tai-O by taking the 1-hour ferry ride at Tuen Mun Ferry Pier. It costs a mere HK$25 per pax but it turned out to be the ride of our lives because we had to carry yipo and her wheelchair up and down the slippery steps and bobbing boat.

Thank God for helpful passers-by who helped keep the boat steady while we embark and alight. I received half-amused and half-bewildered looks when I explained to them that I'm trying to bring these two elderly sisters (one on a wheelchair) out on a fun trip. Mad, they must be thinking.

Risks aside, we had a fabulous day on the island. God gave us perfect weather and we explored the nooks and crannies of Tai-O's old streets and stilt houses. We even walked 30 minutes to Tai-O's Heritage Hotel to enjoy the view and the beach.

Mama enjoyed herself so much, she already asked me when's the next trip on our bus ride home.  (Yes, we opted for a bus ride back to Tung Chung instead of taking the return ferry, to be safe).

2. Family trip to Perth

Our family trip finally, finally took place in March this year. I didn't realise how much effort it takes to have everyone's schedule synchronised - even if it's only for 5 days!

To be honest, Australia wasn't my favourite country. From past experience, some folks can get really nasty. But perhaps, Western Australia is different. It changed my perception.

This trip was thoroughly enjoyable despite the smothering heat. The food was fantastic, the people are friendly, and the farm stay, especially, was surprisingly fun. I had expected myself to be sulking and cooped up while the rest of the brave hearts go feed the animals (especially the fowl - ugly, evil creatures, in my opinion.)

But in an effort to act brave in front of my nephew, I took his hand and ventured out, squirmy and unwilling. Feeding was still out of the question, but at least I stood less than 10 feet away from the feisty emus and greedy chickens. Achievement unlocked.

Target for next family trip is New Zealand. No more feathery fright for me, I hope.

3. The passing of Gong Gong

I put this last as I wasn't sure how to approach this. For the uninitiated, we Cantonese call our paternal grandpa, Yeye, and our maternal grandpa, Gong Gong.

So yes, I lost Yeye last year.

Exactly a year later, we lost Gong Gong, too.

Amid all the sadness, the closeness in timeline to which we lost two of our dearest family members made me ponder: Who's going next? Whose eulogy should we write? Whose memorial book should we make? Or, does it matter?

Gong Gong has been fighting prostrate cancer for years, and despite the pain he felt in his bones, he insisted on going about his daily life for as long as he can. The resilience he showed in his life and his old age reminds me of 2 Timothy 4:7:

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.


And I know he is resting in God's arms now, together with Yeye. Or maybe, they are enjoying a game of chess at this moment?

Rest in peace, Gong Gong. We will take care of Popo too. God will keep her safe. Till the day we all meet in heaven again. 

Remembering Mr Lee Kuan Yew: A rainy farewell

The skies cried hard for him, so did the nation as we waved goodbye.

Remembering Mr Lee Kuan Yew: Our journey to pay respects

Photos from our 4-hour long queue to pay respects to MM Lee.

Remembering Mr Lee Kuan Yew

We joined the crowd at the Istana this evening to pen our condolences. Mom, Mr. Jang and I.

I brought along the card I made for MM Lee. On it, I drew a tree. He has given his life to build this country, sheltering its citizens from torrents of global crises and external threats. This is one great man - strict as a rock but selfless as a tree. 

I have never met him personally but emotions welled up as we neared the long, white tent where endless bouquets of flowers were laid. His eyes were looking back at the mourners. As I stared at the many faces of MM Lee, printed on cardboards and cards everywhere, it is hard to believe that the man is really gone.

I think the only time I even came close to seeing him in person was at the first project I worked on as an information officer. It was the inaugural Singapore International Water Week in 2008. MM Lee was the guest-of-honour for an important segment (water prize?) and we were supposed to get the media ready for photo opportunities. Our ministry at that time was hosting a journalist visit programme. For some reason, we were running late with the Chinese media and turned up a few minutes late for the briefing by his press secretary. Then-boss was a little annoyed with us. Young officers with no respect. Oops.

For the actual event, I recalled we did manage to catch a glimpse of the man from afar. The perks of being a civil servant, especially an IO, is that you get to be part of major events and see politicians in action. (The down side is the culture of reverence mixed with fear. That and the endless levels of 'for approval please'. A separate story for another day.)

My tribute: 

"Dear MM Lee, you are a scary man for those who have worked in the ministry. But also dearly loved, deeply respected, and now... sorely missed."

I feel somewhat proud of having served in the civil service for five years - it felt like I have contributed to the country as part of his team, shameless as it sounded. I know (or I hope) this sense of stewardship and mission is what drives some of my friends, who are still in the civil service. The country needs brilliant people with good hearts.

Rest in peace, MM Lee. 

A new normal

So it has been about two months since we've moved back from the States. A week since I've started work.

It's funny how life is 'back to normal', yet you know that you are looking at things very differently now.

For one, having a life outside work is so much more important to me now. I managed to cook dinner after work, go for a short exercise, sleep before midnight (my aim is before 11pm) since starting my new job. Working towards leaving at 6.15pm made me want to do things extra efficiently.

I also talk more to Mr. Jang. The best years of our marriage is in Foster City. And that is because we communicate so much; we talk about everything. That, and of course, the shared experiences of exploring new places. 

I am still missing the weather like crazy. But God has been kind. He gave us really cool weather - cold, by Singapore's standard. 

I also managed to take Foster out for grocery shopping before I start work. I was perspiring like mad by the time I arrived at NTUC, but it felt good riding on this sweetie. The last time I rode on her was to Wendy's house at the Plaza, when we had our housewives' brunch. 

Such awesome memories. 

The only arrangement I haven't settled on is how to see Almonn more regularly. It's almost impossible to get to Sis' place on weekdays, and it's hard to match our schedules on weekends. So far, I only managed to see him a few times, and brought him out once. I do hope to spend more time with my little buddy. He's the sweetest.

Goodbye 2014

Dear 2014

Thank you for all the experiences and memories you've given me. I have never traveled so much, felt so alive, been so contented in my entire life. 

You made me realise how important it is to stop and breathe in the beauty of God's creation, manifested every single moment in the people we encounter, the nature we see, the warmth we feel.  

This is without doubt the best year of my life.

I foresee 2015 to be difficult and challenging. I will be adjusting back to life in the rat race, missing the carefree days I led in US. I will miss the blue skies, wide roads, gentle wind in my face.

But in the midst of my adjustment, may I always remember to stop and smell the roses. Remember the awesome lesson that you, 2014, have taught me. 

So farewell, 2014. I will miss you terribly. And I will never forget you.

Till we meet again in my dreams,

Xoxo

Is romance dead?

I was chatting with a group of old colleagues in WhatsApp and one of them said there's no love at first sight. And that after marriage, you have what you called the 'best friends' kind of relationship, love that is comfortable.

But not romantic.

Well I believe passion is important in a relationship, regardless of length. I recalled writing a post in Feb this year, asking whether we can be lovers and friends at the same time. This is because I have the most loving husband, one who dotes on and spoils me a lot. And yet, I miss that adolescent hit-you-in-the-gut-make-your-heart-race feeling.

I think I finally found the answer. That romance does exist. You can be a lover and a friend at the same time in your marriage.

It all depends on you.

You want to be surprised with gifts once in a while? Do that for your hubs. You want to be rained with kisses and hugs every day? Do that for your hubs. You want to be treated like the most important person? Do that for your hubs. You want to receive text saying "I miss you" and "can't wait to come home"? Do that for your hubs.

Love and romance is not magic. It's not even work. It's a blessing that you give to your spouse. And it's reciprocal.

So you want romance in your marriage?

Give romance and then see the blessings happen.

Thank you

I went to bed last night feeling extremely lousy and when I woke up this morning I sent a text to Mr. Jang just to let him know I'm awake.

All of a sudden, I heard pounce, pounce, pounce. Then a big flop.

It was Mr. Jang landing in a heap on the bed next to me.

He must have sensed my depression since last night and decided to work from home today. Despite my acting normal and expressionless face, he took the initiative to speak to me about what was bugging me. What followed were sobbing and wailing (on my part) and bear hugs (on his part).

I hate acting like a child and crying. I look stupid with puffy eyes and a red face. And I wanted to push this big bear away.

Two hours later, after calming down and having lunch, I thank him silently for being the bigger person, for putting down his pride and being honest with me too.

Thank you, Mr. Jang. I don't know if you are the best husband in the world, but I know you are that precious tree that protects and comforts when the rest of my world gets tough.

Ageing?

Ok this is a confession post.

I've been doing rather stupid things lately.

I've been honked at numerous times when I am driving. Hey, I really did not see that car coming. I've been turning on the wrong stove top. I could have sworn I was cooking with the right one until I saw smoke coming from the adjacent stove top and realized I'm stir frying on a slightly warm but not hot pan.

Today this is the ultimate. I moved around 3 gas pumps because I thought the card reader were all spoilt, only to realize that I had swiped the credit card the wrong way. AND THEN, hear this, I drove off without putting back on my gas cap!! The guy behind me honked and told me. Argh!!!! Like, how much more stupid can I get?

If I'm like this in my thirties, how much worse would it be in my sixties, seventies?!

A lover or a friend?

This morning when I woke up, I saw that Mr. Jang has once again helped me plug my iPad2 in the charger. On normal days, my towel, which I usually hang on the dining chair to dry the previous night, would be in the bathroom so that I can just stumble in from a groggy sleep and take my morning shower. My bedroom slippers would be within reach of my feet.

I'm not ungrateful for all the sweet deeds. In fact, I think I have a wonderful hubs. But?

Two days ago when I was whatsapping my girlfriends Happy V-Day, a sense of nostalgia swept over me. I missed our secondary school days where the excitement builds up way before, we discussed what we or our classmates might be getting from 'steads', we went all bright-eyed and giggly. As Hwei put it aptly, the excitement and innocence of V-Day... and now it's like so nothing!

I didn't have many relationships before. No.1 was really out of curiosity. I broke off with No.2 because it felt too much like friends although people said he really liked me then. Surprisingly, I had the longest ever ding dong with No.3 although it swung from fun times to big fights and back. It tugged at my heart the most. (Disclaimer: I do not miss any of them in the romantic way.)

Life is good now. I'm married to a great guy and I really can't imagine life without him.

Perhaps, I am just missing that adolescent, hit-you-in-the-gut kind of feeling now. Perhaps, we are too old for that. Or are we?

How to balance the steadfastness and security of a friend with the passion, mystery and wonders of a lover? Can we have our cake and eat it?

Tell me I'm not alone in this.

T-12 days to relocation

Mixed feelings. 

I have always dreamed of moving to another country to stay. France would have been ideal of course but the States is not too bad either. Now that we are relocating in less than two weeks, I should be feeling very, very excited.

There's apprehension, no doubt. Of a somewhat unknown territory, a different culture and (gasp!) not working. Despite the inevitable i.e. assuming a new identity as 'the wife who's tagging along', I don't intend to be a parasite and my plan is to study/work so that I can use my time constructively!

Lastly, the emo side of me is starting to rear its head - ugly or not, subject to debate. Having moved places more than a few times in my life I am quite used to goodbyes, so I thought. I'm already starting to miss my parents, sis and most of all, my little buddy. Will he still be around when I come back?

:( 

Despite the mixed feelings, I'd like to put on record my thanks to wonderful friends who have been giving us many rounds of farewell, church friends who prayed for us today and mom who's been very helpful and patient in helping me pack! Not forgetting gugu, gu cheung and dad who flew down to see us before we go. You guys make going off difficult... even if it's only for 1-2 years!

Solitude

I love being alone. I love the quietness, the sense of peace and tranquility that makes you go "hmmm, I am breathing in a beautiful, amazing world."

I love the quality time spent with myself be it sitting there pondering over something or picking up my ukulele and singing gentle worship songs. Clears my eyes and mind to "troubles" that shouldn't even be defined as such in the first place, and restores the inner balance I need after a long, hectic day at work.

I love just penning down my thoughts in moments like this, because having the ability to write is something that we take for granted most of the time, let alone typing on a laptop when some poorer parts in the world are still coping with the lack of electricity and illiteracy.

When I am alone, I also learnt to appreciate what good company means, and how I need to strike a balance to ensure the growth of a healthy relationship.

You jumped...

Over the course of three weeks, I have heard three cases of youngster suicides. Nope, not from the newspapers, but from colleagues and friends which made it all the more "real". I suppose it is nothing new, people choose to end their lives for all sorts of reasons. But it makes me ponder: if you have the courage to jump, why not the courage to live?

It is especially sad to hear young suicide cases because they have so much potential to pick themselves up again after failures. Even if the society seems to give no room for mistakes, can we ourselves learn to break loose from the expectations we or others place on ourselves? It is equally important - learning to succeed and learning to fail.

I don't know if there are any books on learning to fail (I know plenty about learning to succeed). My personal experience from trying to be a perfectionist is to make it a habit to forgive yourself. Forgiving does not equate to justifying your actions or making excuses, but admitting that you were wrong and you made a mistake, sometimes grave enough to hurt more than just yourself. In which case, accept the punishment or consequences with humility, and face tomorrow with a new heart and new hope.

Daydreaming about France

Read my own blog posts on the trip I had in France with Mom last year - we had so much fun. Reading it just make me yearn for another Europe holiday soon. And I should have brought my netbook to Italy. Nothing beats reading about your own memories of where you went, what you ate, what you bought, what you did.

Reims Cathedral
(linked from http://bienvenue1400910.pbworks.com) 

And on cold, raining, windy nights like this, I miss Reims the most - the place where I pursued my dreams. Reims is actually a forgettable place, if you ask me. There really isn't much to see compared to the bigger cities. But precisely because it is such a small town, there is an easy sense of security and familiarity, and that's what made it so homely. 

I may perhaps be biased. I loved the people I met there: Lili (who has since disappeared), Haoxiang (with whom I still meet up whenever I visit France), and Chen Bo (whom I see once in a blue moon online). I missed the kind of bonding that is shared by people in a foreign place who missed home and yet found comfort in the company of others whom they barely knew for a short period of time but felt attached to. It's like huddling together for warmth in a lost forest and baring your hearts cos you know that given that kind of situation, there is really nothing much to hide.

I am planning another France trip next year. I may eventually grow bored of the country one day, after I finished exploring every corner of it. But until then, I am making it an important annual 加油站 for myself. 

Reflections

The above pretty much summed up my current state of mind.

I will wait on the Lord. I'll learn my lessons well. When it's time, He will tell me what to do, where to go, what to say.

我的幸福

我,是幸福的.

我没有来自富有的家庭,却在很有爱和温暖的家庭长大.

我并不是很漂亮,但至少是健康的,也有健全的双手双脚,可以做很多喜欢做的东西.

我也不算是冰雪聪明,但后天的努力补上,亦可算是勤奋的一个人.

我,真的感恩.

因为我所谓的幸福, 已经得到了.

谢谢身边的每一个人. 也谢谢天上的爸爸.

Random au naturel photo: Loving the mask that SIL gave... heehee..

wrote this on 30 Dec... on the flight back to HK :)

Year 2010
“It is in the act of facing the storm that you discover what lies inside you and decide what lies before you.”
It is that time of the year again where I (together with million others in the world, I presume) look back at how we have done in the past year and then set new resolutions for the coming year. Funny how, when I think back, that my resolutions are more or less the same year after year, and I never seem to be able to achieve them. Therefore this year, I should apply the backward engineering approach to see if I can come up with something more achievable. Let’s see, my confirmed plans for next year is to move to a new house, maybe try for a baby (?!), and… I don’t know, I guess the most “confirmed” plan I have is to not to have a plan (especially in terms of work) and just take things as it comes.

So many things have happened this year that were totally unexpected. Oh no no, the wedding IS part of the plan although I have openly admitted that I don’t know when I will ever be ready-ready since I am still such a girl inside. But my decision to quit my job and then come back is unexpected (that and the dramatic lunch with the bosses where I felt horribly apologetic and cried, yes, shame shame!) And then my involvement in church ministry is unexpected. Still feeling like a klutz cos not sure how to do it well but am sure that God will provide. Mr. Jang and I are already going to sign up for classes on this together. Yay! Love classes.

Ok, I am digressing and rambling all over the place here. But allow me to do so since it’s just once a year. Talking about doing well… yes I still have an almost insane tendency to want to do well for a lot of stuff. I want to be a good wife, a good sister, a good friend, a good colleague, a good worker, a good citizen etc. Is it possible for a person to be “good” in every role? I realised the problem with me is that I don’t care if it is a yes or a no, I just want to do it! And and and, greedy me want more than just to be “good”. I want to learn. I want to learn more about everything – the world, different languages, cooking stuff, arts & craft, work skills, health habits etc. Maybe that is the reason why I burn out so easily. I am greedy, and I take “live life to the fullest” a little too literally. Am bursting with so many things that I need to do that I am going at 1000km/h.

Coming back to the stuff that has happened this year, I think the best way to describe it is that things did not turn out the way I thought it would be. I had envisaged that I will continue to shine in my new posting. Yes, shine. I had no doubts about my ability to pick up new skills and adapt to a new environment, but I was wrong in that I did not expect myself to be torn between two places – home and work, and I did not adapt well in my new roles. Even till now I still cannot completely let go of the fact that I had overestimated myself. But then, I discovered that once I let go of my pride and accept a lesson in humility, I feel happier and stronger. Maybe it feels like accepting myself as an imperfect person for the first time, and then having the courage, energy and enthusiasm to start all over again?

“Your heart is revealed and your character is forged when life does not turn out the way you planned.”
Indeed. I learnt that I am a vulnerable, less-than-perfect person, and I have also become wiser and more patient with myself. If I could live all over again, there is not a single thing that I’d want to change.

So, here’s to 2010. May it be a lesson to not plan so much in advance, take things as it comes, and learn something from it, come what may.

And may 2011 be an even more unexpected year! Oh… exciting!!

It's December

(In a cosy Christmas mood at home. New scented Yankee candles with snowman.)

December has always been my favourite month - Christmas, birthday, dating anniversary. It is also the month where I'd plan my annual holidays. This year though, I foresee that I will be working real hard. Afterall, there is no more leave to take. How sad can that be... :( (Ok, I know. I had my fun in Aug... but that is like so far away.)

But then, there are a few things that I can surely look forward to:

i) Am going to Bintan this weekend with Sis (as my early birthday pressie). Such a wonderful sister!
ii) Mr Jang is planning a dinner for dating anniversary. It's been 8 long years!
iii) I'm going to have steamboat dinner again for birthday. Yay! Love love love steamboat!
iv) Dad and Mum are coming for Christmas, and Wendy and family are coming slightly before new year. Looking forward to loads of bonding time!
v) HK time at the end of December. Grandparents and cousins, eating and shopping, here we come!

This December is going to be slightly different from the past Decembers because there won't be any long holidays. But it's going to be awesome all the same! Am determined not to let work frustrations ruin the festive mood. Will evaluate my Great Escape Plan again after December. Haha...

:'(

I asked LL if she would cry on her wedding cos I've been hearing Slipping Through My Fingers from Mamma Mia and I suddenly feel so sad. :'(

Mr. Jang always said that just take it as my parents are gaining a son. I mean I feel happy that I'm getting married. But at the same time, for some reason, I still feel sad. Is it normal? :'(

:'(

On this last day of my life - I don't want to talk.