Seeking a second opinion + going to the plastic surgeon

After endless trips to the company doctor and unsuccessful tries to sew up the wound, I finally took Mom's advice to go for a second opinion at a proper surgeon. Dr Lim was Mom's surgeon more than 10 years back and I was really skeptical about his skills (am sure his eyesight would have deteriorated since he was already 50 plus ten years back).

My trip to his clinic turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made. He took a look at the infected wound, thought for a while, and told me honestly that while he is a surgeon, he has never done any surgery on the face and hence he strongly recommends me to go to a plastic surgeon as "it is the right thing to do". When I told him that I have been trying to avoid a plastic surgeon because of the cost, he chuckled and started dialing on his phone. He told his friend that he is sending a patient over ("a young pretty girl") and "she said she has been avoiding a plastic surgeon cos you guys are too expensive."

Am not sure if it helped in giving me a good price but after going to the plastic surgeon (another grandfatherly figure at a rundown clinic at Lucky Plaza), I felt much better and the pinch of $1000 for the operation seemed less painful cos he really seems to know what he is talking about when he explained the situation, the options and the procedures. He said he has to slice more skin around the wound cos it has already turned bad and was caving in. By cutting fresh skin, the scar would be smoother and flatter. He also wanted to stitch 3 layers (because the hole is too big and deep) but in the end he opted for a deeper stitch instead because the flesh is too brittle (or I think he used the word "fibrous").

The process of lying on the operation bed again was actually quite painful... (I have been on it almost on a daily basis from 2 weeks ago). It's the fear of pain combined with the feeling of helplessness. When they place a cloth over my face with just one opening for the cheek area and a light shining at that wound, I honestly feel like I'm at the mercy of whoever it is that is going to cut me up. Then the sharp pains will come either from the jabs or the poking of the area.

I wish with all my heart that this time it will really, really heal. I have a feeling that it will. Dr Chua actually gave me a choice to either wait a few more days to be 100% sure that the wound is clean before sewing it up, or to sew it up now because it looks clean enough. I took the chance to sew it up now cos I am really am quite drained over the whole process. I am praying hard that the next time I post, I will already be on the road to recovery.

P/S: I once again thank my family members and friends for all the care and concern shown through calls, texts etc. It's really very touching to know that everyone is praying for me and trying to cheer me up. I will try my very best to keep my spirits up.

Faith of a mustard seed

Everytime I read the passage about how we could move mountains if we have faith the size of a mustard seed, I always wonder how difficult that could be.

But now, as I go through this extremely testing period fighting the infection and feeling totally helpless about the whole situation, I finally understood what it means. I hate this rollar coaster ride of emotions. I hate acting like a child and crying over a wound that won't heal and keep oozing pus and blood, and the frustration that I can't even do simple things like washing my face or chew properly. I hate the fact that even though I am already trying to do everything I can - eating loads of vitamins, sleeping as much as I can, trying to stay cheerful (unsuccessfully), the situation ain't improving. And most of all, I hate myself for not even wanting to pray anymore cos I doubt it will help, AND THEN feeling guilty about not having enough faith.

I know that there is a reason for everything. I know that God is still in control and He won't make us go through something that we can't take. I know there is something to be learnt in the midst of the mess. It's just that, it is so depressing to fight both physical and mental exhaustion and pain, and at the same time, worry about what my bosses think about me taking time off and mc to see the doctor for the op, the infection, the second op and the daily dressing etc etc. It's a constant battle between me telling myself that I really need to rest and keep a relaxed mind in order for the wound to heal, and me feeling rather irresponsible for resting at home.

I have been showered with loads of words of encouragement, prayers, visits and phone calls these few weeks, and I feel thoroughly blessed and grateful to have so many wonderful people around me. I never like showing my emotions and am clumsy at comforting people, but now I realised that care and concern, even if it's just in the form of a text or email, really goes a long way to someone who is feeling despondent.

The battle is nevertheless internal, and I know I need to have more faith as an individual to get through this trial, which once again humbled me as it's the second time in two years that I realise I am not as strong a person as I thought I'd be... I need to once again go through the drill - hang on, wait, and trust.

妈妈的手

前几天动了一个小手术，把三个礼拜前生了在脸上的cyst割了出来。在手术床动手术的时侯，医生对我说：“你妈妈真好，在外面等你。”

妈妈上个礼拜来新加坡conference。本来礼拜六就回香港了。后来知道手术安排在礼拜一，特地放下手里的工作，留下来给我壮胆。

今天在送妈妈去机场的途中，突然感到很惭愧。在我最需要的时候，妈妈总会放下自己的事情陪我。拔智慧牙的时候、去法国散心的时候、动手术的时候。。。那一双我常常推开的手，同样是为我们煮饭的手、烫衣服的手、放胶布的手。猛然发觉这些都不是必然的。也渐渐明白什么叫“任劳任怨”。

比起其他妇人，妈妈的手或许是粗炼的。她也说过因为吃药的关系，手指都肿了，戒指也难戴了。但我相信，妈妈的手，绝对比其他妇人的美丽、也让我们产生一辈子的感激。

后记：

戴胶布不化妆上班的第一个礼拜。不过习惯就OK了！

终于拆线了! 还要戴多五天的特别胶布。

Ouch! Grr! Eh? Oh!

I love this cartoon shared by Hwei today. No, God doesn't miss anything. He is shouldering our burdens for us and He occasionally allows one stone to hit us so that we will remember to look back and Him and know that He is there.

I have prayed that God will bless me with enough good things to keep me going in life, and enough setbacks to keep my feet firmly grounded. I learn to call for help desperately and learn to wait and trust, to fully rely on His help. I know from experience that it always come when the time is right.

Life is not always rosy but I know who is there walking with me. :)

Sweet memories of Italy

how I tried to memorise the whole of Psalm 23 in 10 mins.

Daydreaming about France

Read my own blog posts on the trip I had in France with Mom last year - we had so much fun. Reading it just make me yearn for another Europe holiday soon. And I should have brought my netbook to Italy. Nothing beats reading about your own memories of where you went, what you ate, what you bought, what you did.

Reims Cathedral
(linked from http://bienvenue1400910.pbworks.com) 

And on cold, raining, windy nights like this, I miss Reims the most - the place where I pursued my dreams. Reims is actually a forgettable place, if you ask me. There really isn't much to see compared to the bigger cities. But precisely because it is such a small town, there is an easy sense of security and familiarity, and that's what made it so homely. 

I may perhaps be biased. I loved the people I met there: Lili (who has since disappeared), Haoxiang (with whom I still meet up whenever I visit France), and Chen Bo (whom I see once in a blue moon online). I missed the kind of bonding that is shared by people in a foreign place who missed home and yet found comfort in the company of others whom they barely knew for a short period of time but felt attached to. It's like huddling together for warmth in a lost forest and baring your hearts cos you know that given that kind of situation, there is really nothing much to hide.

I am planning another France trip next year. I may eventually grow bored of the country one day, after I finished exploring every corner of it. But until then, I am making it an important annual 加油站 for myself. 

Reflections

The above pretty much summed up my current state of mind.

I will wait on the Lord. I'll learn my lessons well. When it's time, He will tell me what to do, where to go, what to say.

Loving the unlovables (postscript)

I think I might have found the answer to the question I was asking myself a few days ago - how to love the unlovables.

Today's sermon was "You don't have to fail". It was preached in the context of the book of Corinthians, where Paul was faced with unfair accusations about his gospel work. On top of giving a background of what happened during that era and why Paul wrote those letters, DRG also shared with us a real life example of a pastor who was falsely accused of not being there for his church members. Although he was eventually acquitted of the charges brought against him, he felt deeply unappreciated and taken for granted for his hard work, and as a result of his bitterness, his church was weakened.

I remembered this example because I learnt today that what life does for us, depends on what life finds in us. We are to have a clear conscience, a forgiving heart, and a triumphant faith. When faced with unfair criticism and accusations, we are to first make sure that our conscience is clear by not letting unwholesome talk come out of our mouths but only what is helpful for building other up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (Ephesians 4:29). Secondly, we are to forgive those that hurt us by placing their feelings before ourselves and reaffirm our love for them, lest Satan has a foothold on the church and attack with our judgmental attitude. Thirdly, we should continuing serving with the surety that God is leading us, come what may. Our competence comes from God, and we do not fight for victory but from victory.

Going back to my earlier question, the lesson learnt today then is simple. Yes, there are unlovables all around - you and I are sometimes one too. But love them all the same. Build them up by saying encouraging words and give due consideration to their feelings because for all we know, they are probably already feeling bitter and frustrated about the way they behave too. And remember, we don't need to fight as victims in unfair  circumstances, because we are already victors in this life.

It is with this sense of enlightenment that I prepare to enter another week of what I would have termed as "chaos" earlier on. Now, I think it is God's way of telling me: "Now that I have given you the answer to your question, go and put into practise what you have learnt this week." 

My reply? "Sure, Dad. I will probably fall along the way but I know you will always be around to step in where necessary.  In case I got discouraged and can't see you amid the crowd though, just remember to give me a wave."

Be the miracle

From The Straits Times, 10 September 2011

Read the above this morning while I was having buffet brunch at Ku De Ta, MBS SkyPark. Love the fact that I can just print screen ST articles via iPad, but don't think I can do this any longer unless I start paying for the app - convenience comes at a price.

Anyway, one of them was making a point along the lines that bosses should give time off to staff who does voluntary work, so that they can feel less stressed about the work load. In reality, I am sure no one will feel less stressed after taking time off; on the contrary, you feel more stressed cos the work will just pile up while you are gone and when you come back in the office, you face a mountain of items to follow up. That's how the working life is.

But should this deter people from volunteering? Apparently not. From what I see in the new office, there seems to be no lack of volunteers for the whole range of CSR activities. In fact, I have just taken part in my first volunteer activity today to celebrate mid-autumn festival with old folks, and from my observation, most of the volunteers are quite seasoned and they maintain a strong passion to serve.

Personally, I think being involved in voluntary work, or any other meaningful activity for that matter, helps to put things in perspective. For one, it's good to have a sense of purpose outside work. You feel accomplished when you see that you have made a difference in someone's life, no matter how small. Two, when you are around the underprivileged and see the circumstances they are going through, you feel all of a sudden that your problems are actually quite... insignificant.

The folks whom I met today... well, some looked really old and might not be around next year. But I sense their gratitude for the event which we organised for them. I sense their joy when a couple of them started dancing at the side during the KTV session. And I want to thank them, for making me feel that I have helped make them happy, even if it's only for half a day.

In Bruce Almighty, God challenged Bruce: "Be the miracle." I realised that miracles are not BIG things that happen everyday; it's the small things that people overlook. And you will never know what big things a small smile can do. And hence, no matter how miniscule a role my voluntary work is, I am challenging myself today - to be a miracle in someone's life.

Loving the unlovables

I had a couple of encounters with pitiful old folks these two days after office hours in Shenton way. Yesterday, while I was walking towards the car park to meet Sis, I saw a frail old lady standing near the traffic light. Unlike most persistent tissue-selling aunties, this old lady looked a bit lost and was standing some distance away from the passers-by with her arms half out-stretched, as if she didn't want to bother people with her packets of tissue. Something about the lonely sight of her tugged at my heartstrings and I approached her with the intention to buy three packets. I found out that she didn't have change for a $5 note, so I said: "Auntie, 没关系，给我三包就好了". But she insisted on handing me the entire packet: "没关系的，你可以拿回家慢慢用." I didn't want to deprive her of the entire packet since she looked so pitiful, so I bluffed her and said I have no space in my bag and she would only need to give me three packets. The funny thing was once I said that, she seemed to sense that I was taking pity on her and she retreated, saying it's ok I can come back and buy next time when I have change and I should go now that the traffic light has turned green. And then, she wobbled away into the crowd...

This evening, while I was again walking towards the MRT to meet Sis, I saw a thin old man pushing a cart up the slope in front of Singapore Land Tower. There was a woman seated in the cart and her hair was real short - the kind of hairstyle people would see on cancer patients. I could tell that the old man was having difficulties pushing the cart, cos it was inching closer and closer towards the wall. I hesitated, then asked: "Uncle,  需要帮忙吗?" The uncle was so focused on pushing the cart that he didn't hear me, but the old lady seated in the cart did. She gave me a small smile and said: "没关系". I didn't insist, partly because I was rushing for time, and partly because I didn't know if I should ask again. In the end, I just smiled back and walked away, but I couldn't resist looking back to see if they are alright...

I know I've always had a soft spot for old people, and my heart truly goes out to them. But what I realised from these two episodes is the amount of respect I have for people with 骨气. In both instances, they could have easily received help from me or for that old auntie, she could have asked for $10 and I could have given her. But she did not. And that's what makes her so lovable and in my definition, worthy of help and love. They maintained their dignity even when they are in a really dire state.

On the contrary, I also came to realise what little patience and love I have for people who are constantly griping about their apparent misfortunes and are unappreciative. I have subconsciously developed this bad habit of categorising people into "lovables" and "unlovables" and then correspondingly into "worthy" or "not worthy" of love and help. To the best of my effort, very few people I know fall into the "unlovable" category and my pool of "lovables" are definitely much bigger in comparison. But once a person has fallen into the "unlovable" category, it probably will take a miracle to shift that person back to the other more loving category.

By reflecting on this point, I realised in horror what a judgmental person I am. I said it's a bad habit because, for goodness' sake, who am I to judge? In the first place, although I try to be the best person I could, I am definitely not that lovable all the time either.

So what should I do? I figured that as much as I try not to, the human in me will still be judgmental to a certain extent, so instead of forcing myself not to categorise people, the better way to tackle this problem would be to first learn how to treat everyone with the same kind of love? It is a tough job because let's face it, some people can be really unbearable... (oh crap, here I go again, bad grace). But perhaps the way to do it is to start with the people around me first. I have already identified a couple who will likely feel a strange and forced sense of brightness from me the next few days. It's going to be awkward but I will try.

Remembering 911

I remembered receiving the call from my parents while Sis and I were driving home from school. The news was a simple yet eerie one - 2 planes had crashed into New York's World Trade Centre and no one knew why. We rushed home and switched on the news to see endless replay of the second plane crashing into the tower and images of people running around. I remembered feeling for the first time that time had stood still and that we must be all living in a big nightmare because it couldn't be true. Then I remembered running to the photo drawer and pulling out a photo that my parents took of Sis and me on top of the World Trade Centre a year ago, because Mom had won first class tickets to New York on CX and my parents took us and Grandma along for the trip. I wouldn't exactly call it a close brush with death, since we were there one year ago, but I certainly sensed a chilly feeling of that-could-have-been-us.

The incident still haunts me after 10 years, even though I don't personally know of anyone who has been affected by this horrible event. Reading articles on this, especially as we come nearer to its 10th anniversary, reminds me once again how fragile life is and anything can happen anytime. Crap, this week I read a report of a man who died from choking on his inflight meal on Jetstar. Earlier this evening, I watched a documentary about a man who hung himself as he was too stressed over his work (he couldn't sleep properly cos he was worried about wrong calculations at work.) And then the other day in Taiwan, while we were heading back from Jiufen, we saw an accident between a lorry and a motorcyclist (Mom saw blood oozing out from the helmet of the limp rider and he/she probably is a goner). All these just tell me again and again and again, to cherish those who are still alive, not get pissed over petty things and prioritise my attention on things that matter more, like friends and family.

One decade on, the victims' families are still coping with their losses. I am pretty sure it would take a long, long time to fill up the void feeling. One never forgets, especially when lives are taken away in such a sudden, shocking manner.On this coming 10th anniversary of 911, I want to extend a hand of comfort to those who are still mourning and finding it hard to come to terms with their tragic loss.

Heavenly reminders

God really works in AMAZING ways.

I was at Comex a few days ago and was contemplating whether to trade in my HP mini to offset the price of a new one. The cost of trade in is probably just 50 bucks, but I was thinking then better trade in than to leave it unused at home. Mr. Jang tried convincing me to donate it to Filo, our church's community outreach arm. I was thinking then who would want a second hand netbook since its processing power is not that good, but I listened to him anyway. When we asked Joshua, one of the Filos coordinator, on Sunday whether they need a second hand laptop, turns out that one of the needy family was indeed asking for it a few days ago and it just so happened that we have one to donate. Really praise God for how He always make things fall into place!

To add on, I was actually feeling pretty "home-sick" at work because I really missed my colleagues from my old office. The new work environment is nice and the people are friendly, but they work differently and I am still in the midst of adjusting to the new environment (actually, am thinking that I am doing pretty well given that it has just been one month). And today, just when I was again missing the meeks folks, the new guy came in and it turns out that he used to be from meeks eons ago and he know YC, dajie, Julia, YS, Mr Woon etc! And I was thinking, Oh God, this has got to be YOU. You always answer to my needs when I least expect it! There was this huge feeling of gratitude, and also shame when I realised how little faith I have. It's like God sending me a gentle reminder on a basic truth: Where God leads, He provides.

The sermon on Sunday was "Down but not out". One of the points that left an impression on me was that nothing is coincidence or fate. Everything is by divine appointment and in times of need, God always sends comfort in various forms to strengthen us. So dear Lord, remember we are humans and humans forget. Remind me to not stop believing and to keep the faith going.

A morning worth waking up for!

I always dread waking up early on Saturday mornings because it's the only day where I could sleep in, which is why I sometimes hesitate to make appointments on Saturday mornings, even brunch! Today, however, I am glad I made the extra effort to wake up AND dress up slightly to have brunch with chick, sis and BIL at White Rabbit.



Sis looks happy while waiting for her food.

Chick deep in thought about her upcoming wedding?

We had egg benedict, lobster and cheese omelette, linguine aglio olio, and... ok, I forgot the name of the dish BIL ordered. The food was good but it clearly wasn't the differentiating factor - the ambience was. I think it beat the PS cafe at Ann Siang Hill where we went two weeks ago with Godpa. There was just something really magical about the church-like architecture with its high ceilings and stained glass windows.



linguine aglio olio

egg benedict

lobster and cheese omelette

I forgot what this is called but it's supposed to be real good!

There was a wedding going on when we were having brunch and us being us, we took advantage of the setting at the alfresco area to take some photos (after the guests have left, of course). Check out how we attempted to do an "outdoor" photoshoot ourselves, with us as the models and us as the photographer, while BIL tried not to look too embarrassed by us.

The return of the family trip. Of endless shopping, eating, and raining (yes!)

淡水

Following last year’s first ever family trip to Bangkok which turned out to be so much fun, we headed to the famous land of XXXL 鸡扒 Taipei this time round to continue with the annual overseas trip tradition. The weather was less than perfect (can’t expect much when you travel with the rain goddess especially when she decided to summon a typhoon) but everyone’s spirits were overall positive. Within a short span of four days, we managed to cover most of the key attractions in Taipei AND went a short way out to 九份 and 金瓜石 where the 老街 and old mine were.

九份老街

If I were to choose the top three highlights of the trip, it would be the night market food, the walk along the old streets in九份 and 淡水, and the hotel itself (which Dad so generously booked for all of us).

Quote Hotel

Nespresso machine and free flow of minibar

Umpteenth bowl of 卤肉饭

Random things that you may (not) know

1. I have an itchy backside. I cannot stay in one place for long and I hope my current job will bring me closer to my dream of being a travel writer when I retire.

2. I am not just simple-minded. My bodily functions are simple and uncomplicated as well. More often than not, as soon as I eat, I feel an urgency to poo. After the pooing bit, the feeling of hunger comes almost immediately. It's like the need to refill the cookie jar as soon as it is emptied. Don't ask me why. I am guessing it's just an extremely high rate of metabolism.

3. I find myself full of irony. For instance, I am generally a happy person, but I am also an extreme worrier. Therefore, given these two conditions, I fluctuate back and forth from being Ms Sunshine to Ms Grumpy. Sometimes in a matter of seconds. When I was young, Mom used to observe that I always turned into Ms Grumpy just before dinner time. She called it 'the six o'clock syndrome'.

4. I love pink not because I am girly. I just feel happy when I see pink stuff. But I've got to stop buying pink especially for office items. I think it's scaring my new colleagues.

5. I am an extremely homely person. I love hiding at home and not go out (unless it's for a holiday!)

Bye, Karishma! :'(

Saying goodbye to wonderful intern, Karishma, who has been such a great help in my first week at the new office. Don't know how I would have done it without her patiently guiding me through the endless technical procedures in getting the internal comms things done. Mind you, she is only 19 and she is already functioning like a full-time staff within a short time frame of 3 months. I am totally in awe of her capabilities!

Thanks for everything, Karishma. Here's wishing you all the best for the new semester... You can certainly go far, girl!

Gratitude

Have cultivated a habit of taking notes during sermon so that I can flip back and remember what was taught. Last Sunday's sermon on gratitude from Psalm 136:1-26 was particularly meaning to me cos I have the tendency to feel grumpy. And I thank God for the timely reminder to make a conscious decision to focus on the blessings of God and have a heart that overflows with thankfulness.

I should learn to be thankful for everything, even things that people always complain about, by looking at it from a different angle. Bitterness and depression will not grow in the heart of of a thankful man! Jiayou jiayou!

Updates

I should really be writing about my new job, how it's been like having gone through two full days of intensive learning and on-the-job training. But putting it down in words would make it sound rather depressing - what with ending my first day of work close to 11pm, and being already in operation on my second day. On the bright side, I felt really encouraged by the fact that I am still feeling positive about the whole experience. I am getting a taste of what I wanted. Good or bad, I know I will persevere.

Like what one of my church friend said, "Give God a free rein in all that we are. Don't shortchange God and limit Him with our sins, prejudices, doubts and fears. Let's experience His fullest this week!"

Work aside, I want to pen down some thoughts regarding the recent Italy trip. The weather was superb and the amazing summer sale took our breathe (and savings) away. But above it all, it was really the quality time spent with hubs that made the whole trip unforgettably fantastic. It was pure sweet fun, us not having to worry about the pile of work waiting at the office when we get back from our leave (though we did joke about not having a job when we come back). I think I haven't had such a good time since God knows when. I guess what I really want to say is, nothing beats the feeling of being with someone you love undistracted. I hope that as I start on this new job, I will remember to take it easy and not let work take over my life like how it used to be. I know I really have to put into practice this personal choice of family above everything else, and I pray that God will grant me the strength to overcome those bad habits of mine!

BKK: a trip to remember

Bangkok has always been one of my favourite cities in the world. It was one of the few places a few of us went together during school trips. It was the place where I visited hubs while he was on a one-month stay during his first job. It was also the place where we had our real grown-up family trip a few years ago. It was just perfect for shopping, eating and relaxing.

And now, it will be the starting place of the many, many girls trip we will do together. Our stay in Bangkok was short, but it reaffirmed the friendship we had for nearly 17 years. We are obviously very different, and it reflects so in our shopping patterns and food choices. But the deep level of comfort, the unspoken compromises, and the quiet understanding of where to go, where to eat, and where to stay, just make the trip enjoyable beyond words.

It is easy to lose ourselves in our own hectic lifestyles. Like a good marriage, friendship requires efforts on the part of everyone to make it work. The fact that we made this trip come true meant how much we treasure the friendship, no matter how different our lives have become. I hope we will always remember to encourage one another, laugh at one another, share the mundane stuff in our lives with one another even as we grow older and likely, grouchier (haha).