I made a rather major decision a couple of weeks back. Not sure if the decision could be rated on a right-wrong/good-bad scale, but felt a sense of relief after letting it all out. Had been thinking about it for some time but never found the courage to do so. A lot of people asked me "so what was the breaking point?" I seriously don't know. I only know that something suddenly hit me and I realised that I really just cannot go on like that.
Was work too much to bear? Not really. Think I've been handling it quite well. Was it because I wasn't interested in the issues that I was handling? Don't think so. Anyway the job scheme requires officers to be flexible about the issues that they are handling. One can't be choosy anyway. So was it because of the work environment? Am not sure. Of course, there are protocols to follow and a certain level of rigidness but ain't it the same for all other mins? So what is it? I really can't pinpoint to a particular reason. All I know is that I need a change in environment. Somewhere where I can start afresh and be able to re-prioritise things in my life. Could it be an early mid-life crisis? Perhaps when people reach a certain phase in life, questions like "do I want to live like this?" and "is there something I can do to change it?" will start popping up.
Most people I spoke to said that it's a pity, esp given what I have built up in the past 2.5 years. Thing is, knowing myself, I follow feelings more than logic. And right now, I feel that things aren't right.
Ok maybe I am being too idealistic. But then I do want to try and chase after my kind of ideal life. At least, I try right? And it takes courage. I can't totally extract myself from what society deems as the "correct" thing to do. There is a constant need to justify the decision... even to myself. But naive as I may be, I am willing to take the step.
As the song goes, "if I fail, if I succeed, as least I did as I believe." 5 years down the road, I will look back and said that this is the best decision I have made. Because I did it my way.
