One up and one down

It was another mad, mad, mad week at work. Was on MC (again) yesterday but worked till 9 plus in the evening. Then had dinner at 10pm... such "healthy" lifestyle.

To summarise the up and down of the week (yes, just one "up" and one "down"):

Down: The talk with the director was awkward, and she made it very clear that she was not happy. To be exact, she felt "disturbed" and "short changed" by my decision, and just shrugged when I apologised for the inconvenience. Was quite a major difference in stance compared to a month ago when she said she'd respect my ultimate decision.. :( but I understand that everyone has temper, and I cannot expect everyone to agree. She does have a reason to be unhappy.

And I take comfort in the fact that even C gave me support, that "there are bound to be people talking about you, saying that you cannot make it. Don't care... just don't care. As long as you are happy and are at peace with yourself." And ML said "don't be affected. we will wait for you!" when the director said technically she can hold back the officer for transfer cases.

Thanks C, A, ML, and J for the support. Deeply, deeply appreciated.

Up: Am flying to Shanghai tonight to see queen phua phua! A good holiday with phua and sis! :)

7th attempt at sharing

Had loads of fun doing an early McDonald's breakfast and catching up on the latest with Sis, Chick and Hwei yesterday morning (yes, 9am is considered early for a SAT breakfast. Haha!)... and then had such a blast in the evening with Faye, SH and Wens at the miniest, cosiest and healthiest BBQ. Sis and Mr. Jang were totally blown away by the stuff that Faye prepared, and I must say that the food was really one of the nicest that I have tasted. And yes, the company was superb. Like I said, the attendance was small in quantity but good in quality. Too bad Alice and Lil can't join us, but am sure they were too having loads of fun somewhere else in the world with their husbands...

This week's sermon is on anger, which was again a very relevant and real topic. There are so much unintended consequences when we unleash our anger on someone else. We might regret and apologise later, but most of the time what is done cannot be undone. And if the person is unable to handle the hurt properly, those angry words can destroy and scar him/her for the rest of his/her life. Worse, it is likely that he/she would repeat the same action/words to another person, and this would eventually become a vicious cycle.

What spoke to me was Rev Song's example of a parent saying harsh things to a child, either because he/she is angry, or because he/she wants to use the reverse pyschology to "encourage" the child. Either way, this could hurt the emotional development of the child. I said this spoke to me because my mom had quite a nasty temper when she was young and I recalled very clearly that there was once where she said "why are you so useless? why do you like to make people hate you?" I think she really didn't mean it, and I was admittedly a super recalcitrant child. But that left something on me till this day, and though I don't blame her for it, there are still some parts of me that couldn't really let go. And hence perhaps, the constant need to try to seek approval (by being more responsible?) and never feeling that I am good enough or have done enough... :/

That said, I also need to remind myself that I need to exercise patience towards her. As parents grow older, they tend to be a bit more sensitive and childish (Rev's words... not mine.. haha!) and hence, we need to remember to hold back irritable words and learn to refrain from lashing out at people.

Not easy actually, but shall try my best...

The wise man spoke again...

I was bugging Mr. Jang again the other day on the same work topic.

After thinking about it for the umpteenth time, I asked, "Do you think this is a better way of phrasing it?"

"Huh... why do you always feel the need to explain yourself?"

"No mah, I just wanted to make sure that there ain't any bad feelings between the parties involved after this."

"I think you think too much of what others think. I mean, why can't people just do what they want with their lives? What's wrong with that? "

Again, I was stumped by the simplicity of his argument.

Argh. I wish I was a man.

:x

Tomorrow is the much dreaded talk (again!) with the director. Am so not looking forward to it, especially after what dajie told me at lil's wedding dinner last Sat.

But face it I must, because I feel fully responsible for it.

I will handle it with as much care as I could.

Wish me luck.

Mr. Happy

Quite recently, I asked Mr. Jang, "What must I do to be happy?"

He is obviously a much happier person than me so I felt that I ought to consult him.

"You just don't need to think too much."

"Really?"

"And you need to have breakfast."

"......."

Er.

So what makes this man happy is that he can have food and he doesn't have to think so much.

Ooook.

6th attempt at sharing

The sermons in the month of June are centred around the Seven Original Sins. Pride, envy, anger, greed, lust, gluttony and laziness. This week we are at the 2nd one - envy.

(scripture reading from Mathew 20:1-16)

The main points are:

1. A grumbler/envier always feels that he/she deserves than others.
- Perceives others as undeserving and does not rejoice in the happiness of others.
- Has an unrealistic sense of "entitlement".
- Is never satisfied nor content cos' nothing is ever enough.
- Feels that God/others have let him/her down.

2. But, God's grace and love are freely given and not based on our own "worthiness".
- God views things very differently from us!
- God is not obliged to treat others or you according to what you deemed fair.
- When much is given, much is also demanded of that person.

3. Always inculcate a spirit of gratitude and thanksgiving!

For those who are married/attached/looking for a partner, always appreciate your other half and never compare him/her with others.

Final decision

Ok - decision reversed after consulting countless people on boss' latest offer.

Prayed. Check.
Support from VIPs in my life. Check.
Internal peace. Check.

That's all you need. End of story. Stop feeling bad. Move on.

That constant request to call

I realised that I am really not good with words. The closer I am with someone (e.g. family), the more embarrassed and less inclined I am to express my feelings... I mean, I just feel weird.

Anyway, Mom sent both me and sis a separate email today telling us how much she and dad miss us, how they feel happy yet sad that both of us are married off now, and her request for me to call her more often (yes, I confess that I only call when I need to ask them something - I see the phone as a very functional tool). Sis actually teared a bit after reading the email, but I just went "errrrrr....." (like, what should I say in my reply??)

In the end, the best I could do was this:

"家家(Sis)比较喜欢讲电话嘛. We will try to fly back more often :p"
(then I attached a photo to the email, in hope that a picture really speaks a thousand words)

I mean, sorry Mom, I am really not a mushy/emotional person and when it comes to these things, I just lack the aptitude to do it. I mean, I gave Mr. Jang the same "errrrr......" reply when he proposed.

But that doesn't mean that I don't love you guys right? It's just that I don't say it in your face.

Right.

Farewell-ready

Had a fantastic girls' night out with SH and Alice yesterday evening at ION - superb dinner + yummy italian gelato. Last week was a dinner + one-on-one talk with dear Faye. Two weeks ago it was a very short but nonetheless enjoyable drinking session with Yuin Chien. Today it was catching up with good old Jeff over lunch at Tampopo.

It's like... I'm already beginning to say Goodbye. :/

I'm "the wife"

Went to meet Mr. Jang's colleague from Taiwan yesterday evening and for the first time in my life, I felt like "the wife". Was tagging along, carrying gifts, smiling politely and making small talks. Not sure what made me make the connection but for a brief moment, I had the vision of world leaders greeting each other during official visits, and then there at his side, a few steps behind, would be the spouse giving the gentle nod and smile, acting like a 小女人, supporting the husband silently.

It was really quite funny...