Goodbye, 大婆婆

She was always old, quiet and awkward. A little out of place in family gatherings.

I recalled Mom telling me when I was little that it was a unhappy relationship between her, my grandpa and grandma. She was my grandpa's first wife. Apparently, my grandpa was forced to marry her upon her father's request but the one he really loves is my grandma, the second wife.

I guess it was really complicated back then and I was certainly in no position to comment. But I often wonder what was going through her mind all these years. Unloved? Grandpa has always stayed with Grandma while she stayed alone in a small flat at Wong Dai Sin, a low-income area. When she got older and frailer, an uncle out of good intentions married a Chinese woman to help take care of her. An ugly confrontation ensued when my aunt later found out that 大婆婆 was tied to a chair all day.

So she went to the old folks' home. It was a nice building on top of a hill, opposite Queen Mary hospital in Pok Fu Lam. Because of the close proximity to my parents' place, we visited her a few times when we were in Hong Kong. She was extremely pleased to see us and even more happy when we gave her a red packet for Chinese New Year. I never knew if she took notice of us cos we are not her direct sons/daughters/grandchildren. But she remembered our names. She said my father was the most obedient of the lot. She was sad when we said we had to leave. I told myself to develop a photo of us with her, so that she can stick it by her bedside wardrobe.

Days before her death, before I even know she was getting weaker, I finally had that photo developed. I was going to ask BIL to take it back for me. That photo didn't make it. I wished I had done it earlier. I had more than a year to do so. So I don't know what to do with the photo now. I will just take it back with me when I fly back tomorrow for the funeral.

I realised that no matter whether you are close to that person or not, losing a family member is painful. So 大婆婆, rest well in heaven. You will have plenty of love now, as a cherished child of God. No more suffering.

A lover or a friend?

This morning when I woke up, I saw that Mr. Jang has once again helped me plug my iPad2 in the charger. On normal days, my towel, which I usually hang on the dining chair to dry the previous night, would be in the bathroom so that I can just stumble in from a groggy sleep and take my morning shower. My bedroom slippers would be within reach of my feet.

I'm not ungrateful for all the sweet deeds. In fact, I think I have a wonderful hubs. But?

Two days ago when I was whatsapping my girlfriends Happy V-Day, a sense of nostalgia swept over me. I missed our secondary school days where the excitement builds up way before, we discussed what we or our classmates might be getting from 'steads', we went all bright-eyed and giggly. As Hwei put it aptly, the excitement and innocence of V-Day... and now it's like so nothing!

I didn't have many relationships before. No.1 was really out of curiosity. I broke off with No.2 because it felt too much like friends although people said he really liked me then. Surprisingly, I had the longest ever ding dong with No.3 although it swung from fun times to big fights and back. It tugged at my heart the most. (Disclaimer: I do not miss any of them in the romantic way.)

Life is good now. I'm married to a great guy and I really can't imagine life without him.

Perhaps, I am just missing that adolescent, hit-you-in-the-gut kind of feeling now. Perhaps, we are too old for that. Or are we?

How to balance the steadfastness and security of a friend with the passion, mystery and wonders of a lover? Can we have our cake and eat it?

Tell me I'm not alone in this.