Letter to Almonn

Dear Monn Monn

No matter how hard I tried to hold it in, I still cried in the office. Luckily I am seated close to the back door, so I could make a silent exit to the corridor. 

Gaga was taking photos of your belongings, and we were discussing whether to donate or throw it away. I tried to maintain a neutral feeling, that you are no longer here or need such items. 

But the thought of 'throwing' your things down the rubbish bin, or donating your leftover food to other dogs, was so painful. I don't want to forget you. Or feel it's ok that you've exited our lives just like that. So I keep trying to remember how you die. Every moment from how last Saturday began, when you were still sleeping in a basket next to my mattress, to hours later when we laid your limp body back to the very same bed. 

I knew you would have to say goodbye eventually, I just didn't know it was the kind of sadness that would leave us choking and breathless. You must have known we would be heartbroken, so you tried your best to hide your pain till the end?

You know, I was flipping through your old photos at Mom's last night. Strangely, your puppy years seemed like a lifetime ago. We had so much fun. But I much preferred your old, wrinkled look.

In your twilight years, you displayed more emotions. Most of the time sorrow, as you watched us play with the boys instead of you. But you were ever so patient, waiting for your turn to go downstairs. Sometimes over long stretches of time. Sometimes it may seem your turn would never come.

But you waited. And you are ever ready when the smelly, worn-out leash finally came out of the plastic drawer.  

Which reminded me, that I just bought you a new leash a few months back. I am glad that you got to use it a few times. Mom also regularly cleaned your house and bag to keep them as good as new. I hope you felt our love through such small gestures, that you were much cherished as part of the family.

So back to the topic of donation. You have an entire bag of food left, and 1/3 bottle of shampoo! I wish with all my heart that you are still around to finish them. They are reminders of how we hadn't plan on you saying goodbye so soon.

Just so you know, I am keeping your bowl and your comb. The rest - I think it's too painful to even look. Gaga said she was reminded of your absence, every time she walked past your empty house. You know that we are not throwing memories of you away. Never! It's just that, we have to start the long process of adapting and healing.

Lastly, I want to thank you for the unexpected stop at East Coast today. Our bus suddenly broke down at the spot where we used to take you out for walks at night as a puppy.  I stood around for a few minutes. The evening breeze was gentle, and the sound of the sea soothing. It's almost as if you are sending comfort. 

On the way to town, I also passed by our old house, where we first brought you back.  This trip down memory lane was what I needed. 

So yes, I will get better with time. The pain might go away.

But our memories of you will never fade. 

You will always be our very special Monn仔。

The dreaded day of saying goodbye to my dog

You know,  I think it's true that if your dog knows that you are going to put him down, they will go before you had to make that difficult decision.

Almonn had a seizure a week ago, and had to be hospitalised for 3 nights for tests and drips. Turned out, he had kidney as well as liver failure, and the vet said he was living by the day. Heartbroken as we all were, we decided to at least put up a fight. BIL took charge of feeding him his daily medicine and administering the drip at home, while Mr. Jang and I moved to Sis' place so that we can spend more time with him. 

We were lucky that Mom was back from HK and she could send us to work every day. Gugu also flew here on Friday night so that she could visit him.

The subject of putting him down was first broached on Friday night. I was personally against the idea because I really didn't want Almonn to know that we were ready to let him go. And even though he was very weak, he didn't seem to be in any obvious pain.

On Saturday morning, Almonn threw up everything he ate, including the medicine. He also got up with much effort, went to the newspaper, and suddenly spurt out a mess of maroon liquid. The night before, we already suspected that there was blood in his stools. This time round, it got us more worried. We were still debating if we should bring him to the vet. For me, the E word loomed uncomfortably close.

Since Gugu was here, we decided to bring Almonn out for some sun at East Coast. When Gugu got out of the car (we were in separate cars), she was all swollen-eyed because she heard the discussion on putting Almonn down if he's suffering too much.

On my part, while waiting for them to come, I googled signs to tell if your dog is in pain and dying. One story touched me. The owner struggled against the decision to put down his companion, and in the end, he released her pain by simply saying, 'Go, I'll be ok.'

So back at East Coast, BIL and Sis brought the boys to the playground. Mom, Gugu and I wheeled Almonn to the seaside. He appeared very uncomfortable in the pram. From my short research, I already knew the signs that he was indeed in pain. So we decided to pick him up and make him more comfortable. Unfortunately, nothing seemed to work. He kept wiggling. Mom said maybe he wants to go to the grass to pee?

The moment I put him on the grass, he started to move desperately. And worse, he started howling. Never before have I heard such pitiful sounds from him. And I recognised then, the moment has come, he is dying.

My monn monn is going to say goodbye.

We phoned BIL and Sis to come to where we are. Initially, I thought we should make it as comfortable as it is for him, and he will eventually lose conscious there. After 30 minutes, however, he was still howling intermittently, and leopard crawling from one side to another. I didn't know if he was waiting for more people to come, so I called Mr. Jang.

Shortly after Mr. Jang arrived, it was decided that we would bring Almonn home, so that he would be most comfortable in his bed. I carried him in my arms back home. In the car, he howled less (Gugu found some pain relief acupuncture points), but he began drooling uncontrollably.

Once home, I put him down on his bed. When the rest eventually arrived, we stayed by his side and watched as he moved clumsily in and out of his bed. Sometimes to reach us, sometimes towards aimless directions. His breath turned shallow and his drool turned pink. I suspect some internal bleeding must have taken place.

BIL again broached the subject of going to the vet, and the decision to put him down to end his suffering. By then, I was a mess inside. I had told Almonn earlier at East Coast that it's ok. Go if it's too painful. But I thought I still owe it to him to ask.

I broke down as I said, "Almonn, do you want to stay at home, or go to the vet?"

It was then that I think Almonn made his decision, that it was time to go.

It was quite helpless as we watched him fight for his life. We sat around him and he seemed to want to crawl to each of us before he goes. The last was me. I suspect it was because he knew my heart was a million pieces inside. He let out a sad howl, released his limps, and thrusted his face underneath my leg. He heard me say again, it's ok Almonn, we love you.

In less than a minute, the rapid breathing ceased. And he was finally going.

I knew if we start bawling he would struggle again, so I told Sis and Gugu we have to let him go. We stayed very silent, and just let our tears flow. It was very heartbreaking.

His body shuddered involuntarily, and his limps went straight. For the next few minutes, he gasped for breathe quietly in long intervals. He was lying sideways in his pool of saliva, so we placed my old cardigan underneath his face. I wasn't sure if he was still conscious but we said goodbye and we love you many times over.

And then his eyes turned cloudy and he was gone.

The bawling started.

In the midst of our sadness, BIL managed to keep his cool and arranged for Almonn's cremation with Tengoku Pet Cremation Services. Almonn was so dear to us, we sent him on his final journey together instead of using Tengoku's pick-up service. We had a room to ourselves to spend some time with Almonn, to feel his fur and kiss his forehead one final time before witnessing his entry into the furnace.

I am still crying my heart out as I wrote this, but I really want to give Almonn what he deserved. A proper remembrance. For 16 years of my life, in my growing up years, through dating to marriage, he was my love, my support. He has his naughty moments but I can never be more proud of him, having seen how he graciously accepted new additions to the family, and bravely fought till his last breath. 

He was more than a pet, he was my comrade in life. 

I love him so much.

Almonn, I don't know how to express my thanks to you, except to say that I truly, truly cherish our life together. You meant the world to me, too. I will never stop missing you.

Till we meet again, little buddy. Always in my heart. 

That France Trip

I've got to put this down on record, even if it's gonna be a short one. We did an epic trip to France in the first week of August (5 days 4 nights) for Chick's wedding! It was an amazing race of sorts because of the long flight, the train ride, and the failed attempt at driving a manual car (darn my skills).  But worth every minute of it.

Day 1

We landed in Paris on an Emirates flight early in the morning, took the RoissyBus, and checked in at InterContinental Paris Le Grand Hotel, right opposite l'Opera where the bus stops. Never mind the jet lag. Dumped our bags, showered quickly, and out we go. 

Because of the hotel location (and because we are cheapskate), we walked to Champs Elysees instead. We went right for Leon de Bruxelles where I gobbled up a big pot of mussels. At around 20 euros for a special menu of mussels, fries, beer ? I am satisfied. 

Then it was another long walk to see the Iron Lady. I can't believe the last time I was there it was six years ago, with Mom. And two years prior to that, Mr. Jang proposed there. Has it been eight years already? I brought my engagement ring back, just to check that the sparkle is still there. It is. 

Homecoming for The Ring. 

Day 2

Early breakfast at Boulangerie Grand Opera (13 rue de Mogador), where they sell the fluffiest pain au chocolate. Then swung by the nearby H&M to grab some cardigans. It was chilly the night before and I didn't want to catch a cold. After throwing everything into our luggage, we checked-out and uber our way to Gare Montparnasse.

Call me paranoid but after the recent spate of attacks in France, I was a rather uneasy while waiting inside the station for our train to Tours. We got some drinks, magazine, and sushi to munch on the 1.5 hour right. And we arrived safely, warmly welcomed by P who was waiting for us.

The highlight of Day 2 has got to be the MANUAL rental car. I thought I still have the skill to handle the complicated metal beast. And cheapskate me didn't want to spend extra on an auto. Wrong move.

I didn't count on a lagging wifi google map, unfamiliar small roads, left hand driving, shifting manual gear all rolled into this panicky Asian lady driver.

To cut the story short, I went anti-direction twice in a failure to control the car, up the tram way (where I made an emergency U-turn across 2 tracks), and finally stalled on a slope entering a highway. Kind souls stopped to help (I could only say 'Desolee! En panne!'); unkind ones honked and glared. I have never felt so stressed.

In the end, we managed to wiggle our way across town, back to the rental company to upgrade into an auto. BEST 100 euro ever spent. To make up to Mr. Jang, I still sped to Chateau de Chenonceau, which we were supposed to visit before going to check in at our hotel at Villandry. In the end, we could only make it to the gift shop, and Mr. Jang gave me a slap on the face with a souvenir for effect.

My bad.

Day 3

This is the day of the wedding, our raison-d'etre in France! In the morning, we popped by Chateau de l'Islette in Azay-le-Rideau, a 15-min drive from our awesome hotel in Villandry (le haut des lys). I wanted to maximise my car rental and our stay in France, so I hit every tourist spot I could. On the way back, we even stopped by a farmers market at the pretty little town of Savonnieres to buy fruits and pizza.

The weather was really beautiful that day. We got slightly burnt from standing in the lawn at the city hall, waiting to catch the beautiful bride for a photo. It was a simple but heartfelt ceremony attended by family and close friends. Truly honoured to be witnessing this exchange of vows.

By the time we got back to Villandry, most of the restaurants were closed. We settled for nutella crepes by a street side cafe just down the slope from our hotel. 

And then it was off to Chateau de Villandry for the party of the century! I was so excited to be attending a wedding in a castle, I didn't realised our tickets for entry into the castle is only valid till 6pm. Thereafter it was only the garden and the reception area which were available for access.

Sad face.

Nonetheless, we still managed to stroll around the chateau grounds and take loads of photos before the reception began. My fave - Elsa and Anna impersonations by Sis and I! And I almost forgot how suave Mr. Jang looks like in a suit.

And we danced, we drank, we laughed the night away...

Day 4

A morning of frantic packing, check-outs and train ride later, the original Fabulous Four found ourselves back at Champs Elysees. BIL and Sis wanted to visit the Eiffel Tower after shopping, as it was BIL's first time in Paris, while we had to go to Lil's house for dinner. So we split up after eating yet another around of mussels. We met back near the Eiffel Tower after 9pm. The long summer days really let us maximise the short duration of our trip.

So au revoir, France! I will be back, like I've always said!