You know, I think it's true that if your dog knows that you are going to put him down, they will go before you had to make that difficult decision.
Almonn had a seizure a week ago, and had to be hospitalised for 3 nights for tests and drips. Turned out, he had kidney as well as liver failure, and the vet said he was living by the day. Heartbroken as we all were, we decided to at least put up a fight. BIL took charge of feeding him his daily medicine and administering the drip at home, while Mr. Jang and I moved to Sis' place so that we can spend more time with him.
We were lucky that Mom was back from HK and she could send us to work every day. Gugu also flew here on Friday night so that she could visit him.
The subject of putting him down was first broached on Friday night. I was personally against the idea because I really didn't want Almonn to know that we were ready to let him go. And even though he was very weak, he didn't seem to be in any obvious pain.
On Saturday morning, Almonn threw up everything he ate, including the medicine. He also got up with much effort, went to the newspaper, and suddenly spurt out a mess of maroon liquid. The night before, we already suspected that there was blood in his stools. This time round, it got us more worried. We were still debating if we should bring him to the vet. For me, the E word loomed uncomfortably close.
Since Gugu was here, we decided to bring Almonn out for some sun at East Coast. When Gugu got out of the car (we were in separate cars), she was all swollen-eyed because she heard the discussion on putting Almonn down if he's suffering too much.
On my part, while waiting for them to come, I googled signs to tell if your dog is in pain and dying. One story touched me. The owner struggled against the decision to put down his companion, and in the end, he released her pain by simply saying, 'Go, I'll be ok.'
So back at East Coast, BIL and Sis brought the boys to the playground. Mom, Gugu and I wheeled Almonn to the seaside. He appeared very uncomfortable in the pram. From my short research, I already knew the signs that he was indeed in pain. So we decided to pick him up and make him more comfortable. Unfortunately, nothing seemed to work. He kept wiggling. Mom said maybe he wants to go to the grass to pee?
The moment I put him on the grass, he started to move desperately. And worse, he started howling. Never before have I heard such pitiful sounds from him. And I recognised then, the moment has come, he is dying.
My monn monn is going to say goodbye.
We phoned BIL and Sis to come to where we are. Initially, I thought we should make it as comfortable as it is for him, and he will eventually lose conscious there. After 30 minutes, however, he was still howling intermittently, and leopard crawling from one side to another. I didn't know if he was waiting for more people to come, so I called Mr. Jang.
Shortly after Mr. Jang arrived, it was decided that we would bring Almonn home, so that he would be most comfortable in his bed. I carried him in my arms back home. In the car, he howled less (Gugu found some pain relief acupuncture points), but he began drooling uncontrollably.
Once home, I put him down on his bed. When the rest eventually arrived, we stayed by his side and watched as he moved clumsily in and out of his bed. Sometimes to reach us, sometimes towards aimless directions. His breath turned shallow and his drool turned pink. I suspect some internal bleeding must have taken place.
BIL again broached the subject of going to the vet, and the decision to put him down to end his suffering. By then, I was a mess inside. I had told Almonn earlier at East Coast that it's ok. Go if it's too painful. But I thought I still owe it to him to ask.
I broke down as I said, "Almonn, do you want to stay at home, or go to the vet?"
It was then that I think Almonn made his decision, that it was time to go.
It was quite helpless as we watched him fight for his life. We sat around him and he seemed to want to crawl to each of us before he goes. The last was me. I suspect it was because he knew my heart was a million pieces inside. He let out a sad howl, released his limps, and thrusted his face underneath my leg. He heard me say again, it's ok Almonn, we love you.
In less than a minute, the rapid breathing ceased. And he was finally going.
I knew if we start bawling he would struggle again, so I told Sis and Gugu we have to let him go. We stayed very silent, and just let our tears flow. It was very heartbreaking.
His body shuddered involuntarily, and his limps went straight. For the next few minutes, he gasped for breathe quietly in long intervals. He was lying sideways in his pool of saliva, so we placed my old cardigan underneath his face. I wasn't sure if he was still conscious but we said goodbye and we love you many times over.
And then his eyes turned cloudy and he was gone.
The bawling started.
In the midst of our sadness, BIL managed to keep his cool and arranged for Almonn's cremation with Tengoku Pet Cremation Services. Almonn was so dear to us, we sent him on his final journey together instead of using Tengoku's pick-up service. We had a room to ourselves to spend some time with Almonn, to feel his fur and kiss his forehead one final time before witnessing his entry into the furnace.
I am still crying my heart out as I wrote this, but I really want to give Almonn what he deserved. A proper remembrance. For 16 years of my life, in my growing up years, through dating to marriage, he was my love, my support. He has his naughty moments but I can never be more proud of him, having seen how he graciously accepted new additions to the family, and bravely fought till his last breath.
He was more than a pet, he was my comrade in life.
I love him so much.
Almonn, I don't know how to express my thanks to you, except to say that I truly, truly cherish our life together. You meant the world to me, too. I will never stop missing you.
Till we meet again, little buddy. Always in my heart.
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