No matter how hard I tried to hold it in, I still cried in the office. Luckily I am seated close to the back door, so I could make a silent exit to the corridor.
Gaga was taking photos of your belongings, and we were discussing whether to donate or throw it away. I tried to maintain a neutral feeling, that you are no longer here or need such items.
But the thought of 'throwing' your things down the rubbish bin, or donating your leftover food to other dogs, was so painful. I don't want to forget you. Or feel it's ok that you've exited our lives just like that. So I keep trying to remember how you die. Every moment from how last Saturday began, when you were still sleeping in a basket next to my mattress, to hours later when we laid your limp body back to the very same bed.
I knew you would have to say goodbye eventually, I just didn't know it was the kind of sadness that would leave us choking and breathless. You must have known we would be heartbroken, so you tried your best to hide your pain till the end?
You know, I was flipping through your old photos at Mom's last night. Strangely, your puppy years seemed like a lifetime ago. We had so much fun. But I much preferred your old, wrinkled look.
In your twilight years, you displayed more emotions. Most of the time sorrow, as you watched us play with the boys instead of you. But you were ever so patient, waiting for your turn to go downstairs. Sometimes over long stretches of time. Sometimes it may seem your turn would never come.
But you waited. And you are ever ready when the smelly, worn-out leash finally came out of the plastic drawer.
Which reminded me, that I just bought you a new leash a few months back. I am glad that you got to use it a few times. Mom also regularly cleaned your house and bag to keep them as good as new. I hope you felt our love through such small gestures, that you were much cherished as part of the family.
So back to the topic of donation. You have an entire bag of food left, and 1/3 bottle of shampoo! I wish with all my heart that you are still around to finish them. They are reminders of how we hadn't plan on you saying goodbye so soon.
Just so you know, I am keeping your bowl and your comb. The rest - I think it's too painful to even look. Gaga said she was reminded of your absence, every time she walked past your empty house. You know that we are not throwing memories of you away. Never! It's just that, we have to start the long process of adapting and healing.
Lastly, I want to thank you for the unexpected stop at East Coast today. Our bus suddenly broke down at the spot where we used to take you out for walks at night as a puppy. I stood around for a few minutes. The evening breeze was gentle, and the sound of the sea soothing. It's almost as if you are sending comfort.
On the way to town, I also passed by our old house, where we first brought you back. This trip down memory lane was what I needed.
So yes, I will get better with time. The pain might go away.
But our memories of you will never fade.
You will always be our very special Monn仔。
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