Letter to Almonn

Dear Monn Monn

No matter how hard I tried to hold it in, I still cried in the office. Luckily I am seated close to the back door, so I could make a silent exit to the corridor. 

Gaga was taking photos of your belongings, and we were discussing whether to donate or throw it away. I tried to maintain a neutral feeling, that you are no longer here or need such items. 

But the thought of 'throwing' your things down the rubbish bin, or donating your leftover food to other dogs, was so painful. I don't want to forget you. Or feel it's ok that you've exited our lives just like that. So I keep trying to remember how you die. Every moment from how last Saturday began, when you were still sleeping in a basket next to my mattress, to hours later when we laid your limp body back to the very same bed. 

I knew you would have to say goodbye eventually, I just didn't know it was the kind of sadness that would leave us choking and breathless. You must have known we would be heartbroken, so you tried your best to hide your pain till the end?

You know, I was flipping through your old photos at Mom's last night. Strangely, your puppy years seemed like a lifetime ago. We had so much fun. But I much preferred your old, wrinkled look.

In your twilight years, you displayed more emotions. Most of the time sorrow, as you watched us play with the boys instead of you. But you were ever so patient, waiting for your turn to go downstairs. Sometimes over long stretches of time. Sometimes it may seem your turn would never come.

But you waited. And you are ever ready when the smelly, worn-out leash finally came out of the plastic drawer.  

Which reminded me, that I just bought you a new leash a few months back. I am glad that you got to use it a few times. Mom also regularly cleaned your house and bag to keep them as good as new. I hope you felt our love through such small gestures, that you were much cherished as part of the family.

So back to the topic of donation. You have an entire bag of food left, and 1/3 bottle of shampoo! I wish with all my heart that you are still around to finish them. They are reminders of how we hadn't plan on you saying goodbye so soon.

Just so you know, I am keeping your bowl and your comb. The rest - I think it's too painful to even look. Gaga said she was reminded of your absence, every time she walked past your empty house. You know that we are not throwing memories of you away. Never! It's just that, we have to start the long process of adapting and healing.

Lastly, I want to thank you for the unexpected stop at East Coast today. Our bus suddenly broke down at the spot where we used to take you out for walks at night as a puppy.  I stood around for a few minutes. The evening breeze was gentle, and the sound of the sea soothing. It's almost as if you are sending comfort. 

On the way to town, I also passed by our old house, where we first brought you back.  This trip down memory lane was what I needed. 

So yes, I will get better with time. The pain might go away.

But our memories of you will never fade. 

You will always be our very special Monn仔。

The dreaded day of saying goodbye to my dog

You know,  I think it's true that if your dog knows that you are going to put him down, they will go before you had to make that difficult decision.

Almonn had a seizure a week ago, and had to be hospitalised for 3 nights for tests and drips. Turned out, he had kidney as well as liver failure, and the vet said he was living by the day. Heartbroken as we all were, we decided to at least put up a fight. BIL took charge of feeding him his daily medicine and administering the drip at home, while Mr. Jang and I moved to Sis' place so that we can spend more time with him. 

We were lucky that Mom was back from HK and she could send us to work every day. Gugu also flew here on Friday night so that she could visit him.

The subject of putting him down was first broached on Friday night. I was personally against the idea because I really didn't want Almonn to know that we were ready to let him go. And even though he was very weak, he didn't seem to be in any obvious pain.

On Saturday morning, Almonn threw up everything he ate, including the medicine. He also got up with much effort, went to the newspaper, and suddenly spurt out a mess of maroon liquid. The night before, we already suspected that there was blood in his stools. This time round, it got us more worried. We were still debating if we should bring him to the vet. For me, the E word loomed uncomfortably close.

Since Gugu was here, we decided to bring Almonn out for some sun at East Coast. When Gugu got out of the car (we were in separate cars), she was all swollen-eyed because she heard the discussion on putting Almonn down if he's suffering too much.

On my part, while waiting for them to come, I googled signs to tell if your dog is in pain and dying. One story touched me. The owner struggled against the decision to put down his companion, and in the end, he released her pain by simply saying, 'Go, I'll be ok.'

So back at East Coast, BIL and Sis brought the boys to the playground. Mom, Gugu and I wheeled Almonn to the seaside. He appeared very uncomfortable in the pram. From my short research, I already knew the signs that he was indeed in pain. So we decided to pick him up and make him more comfortable. Unfortunately, nothing seemed to work. He kept wiggling. Mom said maybe he wants to go to the grass to pee?

The moment I put him on the grass, he started to move desperately. And worse, he started howling. Never before have I heard such pitiful sounds from him. And I recognised then, the moment has come, he is dying.

My monn monn is going to say goodbye.

We phoned BIL and Sis to come to where we are. Initially, I thought we should make it as comfortable as it is for him, and he will eventually lose conscious there. After 30 minutes, however, he was still howling intermittently, and leopard crawling from one side to another. I didn't know if he was waiting for more people to come, so I called Mr. Jang.

Shortly after Mr. Jang arrived, it was decided that we would bring Almonn home, so that he would be most comfortable in his bed. I carried him in my arms back home. In the car, he howled less (Gugu found some pain relief acupuncture points), but he began drooling uncontrollably.

Once home, I put him down on his bed. When the rest eventually arrived, we stayed by his side and watched as he moved clumsily in and out of his bed. Sometimes to reach us, sometimes towards aimless directions. His breath turned shallow and his drool turned pink. I suspect some internal bleeding must have taken place.

BIL again broached the subject of going to the vet, and the decision to put him down to end his suffering. By then, I was a mess inside. I had told Almonn earlier at East Coast that it's ok. Go if it's too painful. But I thought I still owe it to him to ask.

I broke down as I said, "Almonn, do you want to stay at home, or go to the vet?"

It was then that I think Almonn made his decision, that it was time to go.

It was quite helpless as we watched him fight for his life. We sat around him and he seemed to want to crawl to each of us before he goes. The last was me. I suspect it was because he knew my heart was a million pieces inside. He let out a sad howl, released his limps, and thrusted his face underneath my leg. He heard me say again, it's ok Almonn, we love you.

In less than a minute, the rapid breathing ceased. And he was finally going.

I knew if we start bawling he would struggle again, so I told Sis and Gugu we have to let him go. We stayed very silent, and just let our tears flow. It was very heartbreaking.

His body shuddered involuntarily, and his limps went straight. For the next few minutes, he gasped for breathe quietly in long intervals. He was lying sideways in his pool of saliva, so we placed my old cardigan underneath his face. I wasn't sure if he was still conscious but we said goodbye and we love you many times over.

And then his eyes turned cloudy and he was gone.

The bawling started.

In the midst of our sadness, BIL managed to keep his cool and arranged for Almonn's cremation with Tengoku Pet Cremation Services. Almonn was so dear to us, we sent him on his final journey together instead of using Tengoku's pick-up service. We had a room to ourselves to spend some time with Almonn, to feel his fur and kiss his forehead one final time before witnessing his entry into the furnace.

I am still crying my heart out as I wrote this, but I really want to give Almonn what he deserved. A proper remembrance. For 16 years of my life, in my growing up years, through dating to marriage, he was my love, my support. He has his naughty moments but I can never be more proud of him, having seen how he graciously accepted new additions to the family, and bravely fought till his last breath. 

He was more than a pet, he was my comrade in life. 

I love him so much.

Almonn, I don't know how to express my thanks to you, except to say that I truly, truly cherish our life together. You meant the world to me, too. I will never stop missing you.

Till we meet again, little buddy. Always in my heart. 

T-12 days to relocation

Mixed feelings. 

I have always dreamed of moving to another country to stay. France would have been ideal of course but the States is not too bad either. Now that we are relocating in less than two weeks, I should be feeling very, very excited.

There's apprehension, no doubt. Of a somewhat unknown territory, a different culture and (gasp!) not working. Despite the inevitable i.e. assuming a new identity as 'the wife who's tagging along', I don't intend to be a parasite and my plan is to study/work so that I can use my time constructively!

Lastly, the emo side of me is starting to rear its head - ugly or not, subject to debate. Having moved places more than a few times in my life I am quite used to goodbyes, so I thought. I'm already starting to miss my parents, sis and most of all, my little buddy. Will he still be around when I come back?

:( 

Despite the mixed feelings, I'd like to put on record my thanks to wonderful friends who have been giving us many rounds of farewell, church friends who prayed for us today and mom who's been very helpful and patient in helping me pack! Not forgetting gugu, gu cheung and dad who flew down to see us before we go. You guys make going off difficult... even if it's only for 1-2 years!

my little buddy

Feeling terribly feverish with an itchy throat since Sunday evening. In fact, I haven't had the time to rest at all the whole week due to vol work on Sat morn and CM duties on Sunday and I was working pretty late last week.

But I couldn't miss seeing my little buddy... wanted to pat his head and to bear hug him though I know he hates it - he probably thinks I am messing up his fur for nothing.

Sis said he has been behaving weirdly, scratching the door (the wrong side of it) in the middle of the night for nothing, barking out of the blue. Definitely signs of old age.

One day, his eyes will fail him but I hope he will always remember those soft touches to his head and the not-so-gentle hugs when I pounce on him. I am always prepared for the day when he will go because I know it will come sooner or late. Till then, I will try to spend as much time with him as I can and hope that he is enjoying his last years on earth with us as a family.

Four times Christmas at Cafe Lumiere

26 Dec, Singapore - Following its soft launch earlier in the month, Cafe Lumiere officially opened its doors to host four Christmas gathering over the long weekend. It first welcomed a care group cum pot luck dinner on Friday evening, which ended at 1.30am and broke the record of previous care groups hosted. It was mainly due to the difficult book of Isaiah, which somehow ended up into a prolonged discussion on tithing. The co-owners, Grace and Mr. Jang, had no recollection of how the topic has gone off the path.

On Christmas eve, Cafe Lumiere hosted a close group of colleagues from Grace's old office, Meeka.  It was the first lunch that Grace ever prepared in the sit down western meal kind of setting. There was pork rib (from NTUC), honey baked ham (from NTUC), wine (from NTUC), and a gigantic log cake (from NTUC). The non-NTUC items were pasta, stringed pineapple and cheese hotdog, and salad with homemade vinaigrette dressing. When asked how she felt on her first attempt to prepare a meal, Grace said: "I was really excited and am just glad that there are no reports of food poisoning thus far! The only negative comment I had was from ex-colleague, Meds, who said my fireplace decor failed... But that's sort of OK coming from Meds!" She quipped.

The Christmas eve dinner session was dedicated to Mr. Jang's JC and majong friends. Interestingly, Cafe Lumiere is also known as MJC - the short form for "Majong Club". True to its name, MJC members presented a majong table as a housewarming gift to the couple. It was quickly put to good use after the members had their Christmas feast and the party ended at 3am in the morning, or so Grace heard as she has already collapsed into her four-poster bed slightly after midnight due to the long day spent in the kitchen.

As for Christmas day, it was a relief for the owners that the party only started around 7pm. Grace and Mr. Jang were exhausted from helping out at the Children Ministry in the morning. Some of the junior kids apparently ate the chocolate stars that they hid in the santuary for the older kids. The latter could not find the complete set of stars for them to piece together the words of "SAVE", "(L)AMB", "H(O)PE" and "LOV(E)". The couple spent some time trying in vain to locate the stars which had mysteriously gone missing.

At 7pm, Grace and Mr Jang welcomed their friends and family to Cafe Lumiere for the grand finale Christmas Day dinner. And what a feast the group had - it was all from a catering service! But it was all made cosy and personalised by the wonderful presents, desserts, and wine brought by their pals. The Christmas spirit was further enhanced by the fact that everyone came dressed in the theme of "Winter" albeit with various interpretations - tropical winter, temperate winter, but luckily no north-pole winter as the air-con could only go as low as 17C. Come gift exchange time, everyone had a fantastic time unwrapping the goodies brought by one another. Even Grace's brother-in-law, OSH, bought a proper gift from L'Occitane this time round. Suspiciously though, he did not know what L'Occitane is when asked. Being the good wife that she is, Est, Grace's sister, refused to comment when asked if she bought the gift on his behalf. The night ended on a high note as the group laughed their guts out watching an old movie, 唐伯虎点秋香.

We bring you some photo highlights from the dinner finale, which is not a lot as Grace was either too busy in the kitchen or at the dining area eating. For the rest of the other events, there were no photos taken from Grace's phone cam (she totally forgot).

Cafe Lumiere wishes all a Merry Christmas once again!

Cafe Lumiere co-owner Grace (right) with her favourite sister Esther (left) and dog Almonn. She calls them collectively: Sismonn.

Almonn was almost put up for sale, if not for his hidden ferocious character. 

The Crazy Trio from Sec One. From left: Grace, Chick, and Hwei.

(*Grace realised that she also forgot to take a Christmas photo with cafe co-owner and husband, Mr. Jang. Oopsie!)

More than just moving...

"Survived" my first week at the new house. I used that word because it was with much reluctance that I came to terms with the fact that yes indeed I had moved out of my parents' house. I had a shock when Mr. Jang told me last Sunday that we would not be going back, when I had thought that the move was only temporary. I felt that I was suddenly yanked out of my home, and I didn't have time to say my goodbyes.

I still miss everything terribly. I only pulled through the first week because I can still see Sis and BIL regularly especially when I go to work cos Sis will swing by to pick me up and when I go home to get my stuff. This and the fantastic surprise birthday party that the gang gave me two days ago. Totally made my day.

I miss my little buddy. No matter how hard Mr. Jang tried to tell me that Almonn is no longer my dog (I don't believe it for a single moment) and that he cannot come cos he will scratch the furniture and dirty the place if he comes, I am still very attached to him and I miss him every single day. I think what Mr. Jang doesn't realise is that I can always earn back the money used to refurbish the house or buy back the furniture if there is any damage. But the feelings you have for your pet is something that can never be replaced. I appreciate the efforts that he has made to make the transition less painful and I probably sound selfish when I say this, I will not remember how nice my first house is or how beautiful the furniture is, but I will remember that I miss Almonn every single day that I moved in and that I am forbidden to bring him here with me. :(



Almonn, 加油!!

Left office on time today cos I needed to bring Almonn to the vet. Gaga said her PIL and MIL observed that his hind legs are getting a bit weak, and he looked wobbly when he went for walks. So I went to the vet to check his state of health and to see if his wobbly legs are normal.

Turned out that his hind legs are really responding much slower than his front legs. An X-ray check showed that it's not a slip disc, so it might possibly be a growth, in another words, cancer. To be honest, I was very calm when the vet told me that. I only asked what my options are if it is really the case. Treatment, surgery or what? It did dawn on me that cancer will likely lead to death, especially when Almonn is considered an old dog already.

As I sat outside waiting for Almonn to come out (I could hear him yelping inside), thoughts of leading a life without Almonn came. Am shameful to say that I haven't really paid attention to him for the past few years. Didn't play with him even though he always come with his ball and his eager eyes, didn't bring him out for walks even though we have time, we even purposely tease him with "do you want to go out?" and get him all excited then the next moment we shut him back in the kitchen and say "bye bye!". We are bad owners! But he is always there. Sometimes he attempts to bite us... but most of the time he will just sit there and look at us. I always wonder if he is trying to ask us something, like "when are we going out again?"

Almonn my dear little buddy, I know you are staying strong. I think we are quite alike, sometimes we feel pain inside but we don't want to show it out and display a aloof nonchalant self instead cos we don't want to bother others. Oh well, know that I am proud of you all these years! And I think you are the most handsome dog I know! Keep your spirits up and you can fight off anything!!

Home sweet home to Almonn and Mr. Jang

Had a really hectic day at work but came home to another lovely meal cooked by Mr. Jang.

After that, it was a not-so-romantic walk at East Coast. We brought Almonn along and it was the usual tug-of-war kind of walk whenever we passed pillars, trees and lamposts.

To be fair, we also traumatised him by pretending to leave him behind at East Coast. He responded by giving us the pitiful look and endless yelps.

To the vet we go...

(Almonn on the way to see the vet)

Mum woke us up this morning to inform us that Almonn had pooed all over the place again, and that his stools had blood in it again. I sprang up from my bed as fast as I could because I was really starting to get worried. He could be having worms inside his intestines, possibly because we had been allowing him to roam about in the grass at the dog runs. And he hasn't been having his annual vaccination. In any case, we brought him to the vet first thing in the morning just in case.

Turned out, his bloody stools could be due to a change in diet or snacks, or "stress". I was wondering to myself what kind of "stress" a dog could have when all he ever does is run around, eat and sleep. Mum said it could be because he hardly sees us nowadays. We leave home early in the morning for work, come back late at night, and even on weekends we are hardly home. He could be lonely. Or perhaps, the typical fear of being abandoned when one grows old?

Anyway, he was to be put on 12-hr fasting period before being allowed to eat steamed rice with minced pork. During this period, he was only allowed to drink H20 to make sure that he would not dehydrate. As expected, this stupid stubborn dog refused to drink that cos I supposed it was too blend for this 少爷. -_-!!!

On a separate note, I attended MS' wedding lunch this afternoon. The best thing that happened was that I got to meet Cdr again! ^ ^ He is by far the bestest boss I've ever had, and I so missed the time working under him...

Reflections for the week

Time seemed to have zoomed past this week. because work has been so so so hectic. Here are the bits and pieces of my reflections for the week:

1. I realised how much I hate being mean even though I know sometimes I have to do that in order to get things going.

2. I hate the fact that I have to chase and chase for the things and act like a biggest pest, but heck, that thing has to be done and I WILL chase you 到天涯海角 until you give it to me.

3. I don't like receiving verbal instructions especially when it comes to things that matter in work. I like to play safe, even though it means that there might be slight delays in the progress. I like to make sure that things get done in a 无懈可击 manner as far as possible. Especially when it comes to money/procurement matters! Argh!

4. I realised on more than one occasion how much good colleagues are hard to come by, and thank God that I've found some in the current work place.

5. On my way to toilet on Wednesday, I was suddenly reminded of how fortunate I am, and that the phrase 任劳任怨 applies not only to my parents, but also to Mr. Jang, in my life. I'm so very thankful for that even though I don't say it out loud. And most of the time, I act like a jerk to them by giving them the leave-me-alone tone, especially when I'm working. Bad!

P/S: Almonn is still having diarrhoea even though there is no more blood in his poo poo. Will continue to monitor.

Another poo post

I think there might be something wrong with Almonn. Today his poo poo had a bit of blood, and it's all watery etc. Will monitor him for another day and bring him to the vet if the condition worsens.

I suppose I should be expecting this sooner or later since Almonn is already nine years old! But then again, it could be the curry that we fed him the other day. Like too strong on his stomach etc. Erm. Oops. :9

Smelly smelly smelly!

It's just like any other Monday - sleepy, groggily, lazy, boring. The only interesting thing that happened was that at the end of the day, after we got back from dinner, we discovered that Almonn had pooed all over the kitchen. The best thing was, there was poo stuck on his rubber duckie as well. Like he rolled it over in the poo or something. Totally smelly, and totally grossssssssssssssss.

Bad dog!

A doggy morning

grrrr.... sooooo hot! pant pant...

my name is 阿呆...

so tired... zzzz...

It was the kind of "guilty parent" thinking that got me out of bed at 9 plus this morning. Sis and her friends were going to bring the dogs out to East Coast for a doggy gathering and I figured I should play my role as a co-owner as well. Almonn hasn't been out to East Coast for ages (bad me!) and I wanted to take loads of photos of him since he is already 8 years old.

The day turned out to be fun although it felt as if we were all badly burnt by the end of it. Needless to say, Almonn was the one with the biggest attitude problem, barking at children/passers-by/fellow dogs. Drift was the loveliest and a fave with children because he is just so sweet! I have nicknamed him 阿呆 because he just likes to 发呆. Cody was just as hyper as a puppy can get. He went bouncing and jumping at everyone and P could hardly restrain him. I think he must have grown 5 times his size since the last time I saw him.

Glad that I went for the morning "work out" although I'm still itching like crazy from the sun.

The afternoon was spent doing report (again!) and watching movies on the HBO channel. Started out early because I really wanted to make the effort to go for S' housewarming although she is really more of Mr. Jang's friend. Didn't make it though because I spent longer than I imagined on the report, what with Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix on TV followed by Meet Joe Black. Argh. I just looooove watching movies/TV and Brad Pitt looked really cute in MJB. Lucky Angelina Jolie!

And so, dinner was just marcaroni soup for me. Found some leftover Ben and Jerry's ice cream in the freezer and finished it while watching Mission Impossible 2. Heaven...

On this last day of my life, I wish life can stop just right here.