2 May 2015
8.49am. Yeye was certified.
We were in Hong Kong, having flown back the day. Uncle Mathew was supposed to pick Mr. Jang and I up from Mom's place at 10am to visit Yeye.
I had set my alarm clock at 8.30am on my phone. Mr. Jang had gone down to buy breakfast. When my alarm rang, I switched it off and went back to bed, waiting for Mr. Jang to wake me again when he comes back.
A short while later, I heard the front door opened and the sound of plastic bags on the dining table. His hand phone rang. And he came into the room in quick steps.
"Wake up now and get dressed. 二伯娘 is coming to get us now. 爺爺's situation is very bad."
I shot out of bed and went to the bathroom to wash up. It didn't occur to me to check my what'sapp when I switched off the alarm. Maybe subconsciously, I didn't want to.
In my haste to get into the shower, I didn't close the door fully. I was soaping myself when Mr. Jang pushed open the door.
"Stop." He thrusted something in my face.
I heard loud sobs from gugu at the other hand of the phone. She was shouting for me to speak to Yeye. "詩，你快D同爺爺講野啦!"
I wasn't sure what was going on and what I was supposed to say, so I just tentatively said "爺爺? 爺爺?" Gugu was still sobbing and shouting."佢仲聽到架!"
Then I suddenly realised that, that was it. It was the last time he was going to hear my voice. My heart broke.
"爺爺，我地好錫你，我地會好掛住你。我地係天堂見，好似文苑村一齊種菜，種薯仔，煮咖喱薯仔，點燈籠，好不好?"
Gugu had to hang up to call other family members. I finished my shower in silence. Mr. Jang was already standing at the bathroom door. His eyes were also red. He gave me a hug. I think I have never cried so badly... so much pain.
A while later, in Uncle Mathew's car, I checked my phone. Gugu has updated early in the morning that Yeye had a fever, then breathlessness, then it stablised. Then a while later, his breathing seemed to have stopped.
On the highway, Gugu sent a text to the group chat. "爸 certified 8.49am"
That was it. Yeye has officially left.
When we got to the hospital, Gucheung was leading a prayer for Yeye. I went straight to Yeye and planted a kiss on his forehead. I knew he was gone but I want to touch his face and hold his hand while I still could. His face was cold but his hands were still warm underneath the blankets.
Gugu was still bawling at a corner. The rest of the family, including Mama and Yipo, were dabbing away at their eyes. Everyone was around the bed. Gugu screamed for Yeye not to leave the room yet because Mom and Gaga are coming soon.
The hospital allowed us to wait for a while, until 2pm, before moving his body. They turned down the temperature of the room to better preserve the body, but told Gugu that the longer we delay, the worst it would be for Yeye's corpse.
The room was getting really cold. But most of the time, I kept my hand underneath the blanket to hold Yeye's hand. I don't know if I am occupying prime estate beside the bed but I just hoped to hold on a while longer.
The tears come again every time someone arrives to say goodbye, Bob, Helen, Mom... Mom said it happened too fast, she couldn't believe it. My mask was so wet. I just removed it. Gugu had wanted us to wear it for fear of infecting Yeye, but I think he would prefer to see our faces now.
We were still waiting for Gaga to land. She would see the messages when she switched on her phone.
When she finally arrived at the hospital with BIL, her eyes and face were swollen. She didn't make it in time to talk to Yeye one last time, but she could still see Yeye before they move him. Dad was still somewhere in the sky, rushing back directly from New York.
With Gaga back, the hospital started making preparations with family members. The grandchildren stayed behind with Yeye while the adults went into the interview room. Bob, Gaga, Helen and I spoke about our childhood. A while later, Gugu said they are going home to get some clothes for Yeye to wear.
At 2pm, the hospital said they really have to take Yeye away. The nurse who was in charge of changing Yeye said she will try as much as possible but if his body is too stiff from waiting too long, she will wash his body then just drape the clothes over him.
Everyone was to move out of the room. We each said our goodbyes and kissed his face. I started to leave too but then turned back again. I want to keep him company and look at his face till the last second. I was still standing at the door when the nurse came back to chase us away one last time.
And then, we waited at the ward's lobby as the guy from the mortuary came to get Yeye. He was pushing a bed with black drapes into Yeye's room. The nurse who washed Yeye's body told us to wait, as Yeye was coming out.
I said as the guy reappeared, "No.. Yeye is not on the bed..."
And then we realised that it was not a bed. It was a box. Yeye was inside the box.
We followed the guy down the lift to the mortuary. We thought we lost Yipo because we all wanted to cram into the same lift as Yeye, accidentally leaving Yipo in a wheelchair with the helper in the other lift. I was going to look for them when they finally came down to the same floor as us.
Yipo had been Yeye's primary concern when he was still around, so I stayed with Yipo closely as we followed that guy along a long corridor. He turned a couple of corners, opened a door, and then said something. I heard Gaga and the rest saying, "Bye bye, Yeye."
I tried to go to the front but the door was closing too fast for me. I could only say the same words before it closed completely. "Yeye, bye bye."
Dad, who still did not know what happened, would have to take Yeye's identity card and see Yeye in the mortuary when he lands.
The day before - 1 May 2015
It was the Labour Day public holiday. We flew back on Scoot and landed in Hong Kong at 5am in the morning.
We went home to wash up before traveling to the hospital. When we arrived around lunch time, Yeye was already moved to a single room in D4 ward of Tuen Mun Hospital given his condition. He had difficulties breathing due to the presence of phlegm. Gugu arranged for the nurses to extract it out so that he can breathe better.
I watched him from outside the door as they put a tube down his throat. His eyes widened from the shock. The second time they tried, he raised a weak hand to indicate stop. I think he was in pain.
We went off to have lunch at Gold Coast. When we got back, my aunts from my Mom's side were there to visit him. They had helped draped a sweater on him and he had complained of cold.
The hospital made preparations to move him to the palliative care ward - H1.
We followed him as they shifted him to the other block. When we got there, the nurses told us that we should be mentally prepared, as coming to this ward meant they would just try to make it as comfortable for him as possible.
They didn't explicitly said he would leave, but repeated that his condition was bad. They will see if they have a single room so that family can be with him 24 hours.
I kept texting Gaga to update her, and to ask her when she would fly back.
Gugu, Mr. Jang and I spent the whole afternoon with Yeye in the 8-pax room while waiting. He refused to sleep. He kept looking at us and tearing.
I am not sure when Yeye would go, so I took photos with him. Gugu and Mr. Jang also helped take a few. His skin was getting scaly especially around the area where the breathing tube is, so we applied some lotion for him.
We only left Yeye's side when we needed to do something. I bought lip balm for him downstairs as his lips were dry, and I was worried that it might get worst if we keep spraying water into his mouth to keep it moist.
Gugu went off in search of Yeye's grey sweater. The hospital might have taken it away when they were switching beds. Mr. Jang went to the lobby to sit and have a break.
That afternoon, Yeye was trying hard to say something. First when I was alone with him. Then when Gugu came back.
We really didn't know what he wanted to say. I thought he mouthed Mama, but when I asked if he wanted to see Mama, he shook his head. He kept shaking his head as I checked off the list of persons I thought he wanted to see.
He said something else when Gugu came back, but she couldn't understand either.
At close to 9pm, the nurses came to say that the single room is ready. Gugu made arrangements with Guma to take turns to stay with Yeye that night.
Gucheung arrived. We were getting hungry, so Gugu told Yeye that we were going out to eat something and we would come back again. His gaping lips suddenly narrowed, as if he wanted to cry. He didn't want us to go.
The nurses came again to shift Yeye into the single room. We weren't allowed inside as they made the preparations, so we took the opportunity to go. Before leaving, Gugu told Yeye that they will be keeping him company on the sofa. He seemed agreeable.
Shortly after we left, Guma arrived at the hospital. Uncle Matthew and Aunt Doris also went to see Yeye in the new room.
This was Yeye's last night.
The day after - 3 May 2015
The crying comes on and off, mostly when things are quieter and I am alone.
We flew back to Singapore this morning, as the funeral arrangements will take some time to confirm.
At the Hong Kong airport at 4am, I kept looking around in case Yeye is there to send us off, just like when we were young. Gaga and I used to turn back to wave after we've passed the immigration. I still did today.
Yeye, I don't know when I will stop missing you. I am sorry that I didn't spend as much time with you in your last visit to Singapore two years back. I appreciate everything you have done for us, bringing us up. You are the greatest man I know. I love you and Mama and Yipo so much. We will take good care of them. Please standby in heaven and wait for us.
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