Grandpa

Flew back to Hong Kong on urgent leave because Grandpa was admitted to the hospital. He complained of pain when my aunties visited him last Saturday. When they entered the room, they could smell iron. His stools had so much blood that it seemed as if he had menstruation. A look at his pale face told them they needed to call for an ambulance right away.

Mom texted us. Fly back immediately if you can. He is very weak now and we do not know when he would go.

I am still on probation and am not entitled to any leave. Thank God that Boss was extremely understanding when I called. She told me to go ahead and let her know how long I need.

It has been three days since we came back. Grandpa's condition seemed to improve but the fear of him dying never left me. The hospital had told us to standby for phone call as his condition could deteriorate. Dad said one day lived is one day gained.

I never knew that having someone close to you dying can be so... numbing. Maybe the myriad of emotions just clashed - sadness, helplessness, worry, regret, frustration.

Above all, the guilt of trying to distance myself from it all. I don't know what to say or do. I don't know how to process these feelings. What should I pray for, God?

I have started to think that accidental death is such a blessing.

No pain. No prolonged suffering.