When giving is not helping?

You know, there's no 'market rate' for street performers in Singapore. Basically, we give whatever we want to, be it a few cents or a couple of dollars.

When we were in LA a few months ago, we saw an unexpected scene: A passer-by got scolded by a street performer on what the latter deemed as too little a giving. The lady walked away angrily with a "you bet this is the last time I'll do it." Oops.

I normally give a dollar (and luckily for me all seem appreciative). I thought at least given the hard work they put in for the street performances, they should at least get something decent. And frankly I define 'decent' as a dollar.

What about the homeless? I have my fair share of encounters with homeless people on the streets, at gas stations, outside supermarkets... even had a couple knocking on my car window. Each time they cried "Madam, madam!" I just sort of smile and shake my head.

Not that I don't think they deserve help, but because I don't know how or how much to help. Unlike street performers, the homeless tends to come really near and that doesn't give me much time to respond. I feel uncomfortable digging in my purse for something in their presence.

And sometimes, they asked for food which we normally don't have with us. Today, as Mr. Jang and I were coming out of Starbucks, an old man asked us to give him food. After some hesitation, we went to the nearby Safeway to get a loaf of bread figuring that it could at least help him last a long while. But it turns out that he's not into wheat bread, chuckling and saying that "only birds eat wheat" (really?) and he can't carry a loaf of bread everywhere (why not?). Maybe he was expecting pepperoni pizza or something.

I had thought that it's always a great help whatever you give. Small amount, big amount. Bread or meat. Apparently this isn't so. Mr. Jang said perhaps only the truly desperate ones will appreciate people's help whatever that may be. I am not looking for appreciation or gratitude, but perhaps a little understanding on why some feel offended when help is not in the form of what they expected. Any amount of money is still money; any form of food is still food, isn't it?

Perhaps I should find out more about the psychology of these people, while I munch on that rejected loaf of wheat bread.

Loving the unlovables

I had a couple of encounters with pitiful old folks these two days after office hours in Shenton way. Yesterday, while I was walking towards the car park to meet Sis, I saw a frail old lady standing near the traffic light. Unlike most persistent tissue-selling aunties, this old lady looked a bit lost and was standing some distance away from the passers-by with her arms half out-stretched, as if she didn't want to bother people with her packets of tissue. Something about the lonely sight of her tugged at my heartstrings and I approached her with the intention to buy three packets. I found out that she didn't have change for a $5 note, so I said: "Auntie, 没关系，给我三包就好了". But she insisted on handing me the entire packet: "没关系的，你可以拿回家慢慢用." I didn't want to deprive her of the entire packet since she looked so pitiful, so I bluffed her and said I have no space in my bag and she would only need to give me three packets. The funny thing was once I said that, she seemed to sense that I was taking pity on her and she retreated, saying it's ok I can come back and buy next time when I have change and I should go now that the traffic light has turned green. And then, she wobbled away into the crowd...

This evening, while I was again walking towards the MRT to meet Sis, I saw a thin old man pushing a cart up the slope in front of Singapore Land Tower. There was a woman seated in the cart and her hair was real short - the kind of hairstyle people would see on cancer patients. I could tell that the old man was having difficulties pushing the cart, cos it was inching closer and closer towards the wall. I hesitated, then asked: "Uncle,  需要帮忙吗?" The uncle was so focused on pushing the cart that he didn't hear me, but the old lady seated in the cart did. She gave me a small smile and said: "没关系". I didn't insist, partly because I was rushing for time, and partly because I didn't know if I should ask again. In the end, I just smiled back and walked away, but I couldn't resist looking back to see if they are alright...

I know I've always had a soft spot for old people, and my heart truly goes out to them. But what I realised from these two episodes is the amount of respect I have for people with 骨气. In both instances, they could have easily received help from me or for that old auntie, she could have asked for $10 and I could have given her. But she did not. And that's what makes her so lovable and in my definition, worthy of help and love. They maintained their dignity even when they are in a really dire state.

On the contrary, I also came to realise what little patience and love I have for people who are constantly griping about their apparent misfortunes and are unappreciative. I have subconsciously developed this bad habit of categorising people into "lovables" and "unlovables" and then correspondingly into "worthy" or "not worthy" of love and help. To the best of my effort, very few people I know fall into the "unlovable" category and my pool of "lovables" are definitely much bigger in comparison. But once a person has fallen into the "unlovable" category, it probably will take a miracle to shift that person back to the other more loving category.

By reflecting on this point, I realised in horror what a judgmental person I am. I said it's a bad habit because, for goodness' sake, who am I to judge? In the first place, although I try to be the best person I could, I am definitely not that lovable all the time either.

So what should I do? I figured that as much as I try not to, the human in me will still be judgmental to a certain extent, so instead of forcing myself not to categorise people, the better way to tackle this problem would be to first learn how to treat everyone with the same kind of love? It is a tough job because let's face it, some people can be really unbearable... (oh crap, here I go again, bad grace). But perhaps the way to do it is to start with the people around me first. I have already identified a couple who will likely feel a strange and forced sense of brightness from me the next few days. It's going to be awkward but I will try.

Funny taxi uncle

I was having an animated conversation with the taxi uncle on the way home from NTU and we were talking about the benefits of GPS when he suddenly asked if I was a student or a teacher at NTU. The conversation went like this.

Uncle: Are you a student or a teacher there ah? Oh, you not teacher there? You mean you are STILL a student??? A master right?(His tone implied that I looked too old to be an undergrad.)

Me: ...... er, well... grad dip student lah.

Uncle: Oh, so you working at the same time... Are you a SECRETARY? You look like a secretary.

Me:...... (further silence) NO UNCLE. I'm not a secretary!!!

Uncle: So what you work as?

Me: (with some unknown sense of pride) I civil servant!

Uncle: oh! SAF ah?

Me: (starting to wonder if there is something wrong with him) NO LAH! I'm from one of the ministries. (Come on, which part of me did you see the association with SAF??)

Uncle: ah.... MOE?

Me: Info... The colourful building... you know?

Uncle: oh well... erm..

A bad start to my new handphone (and my renewed relationship with M1)

I got my new Nokia E66 handphone delivered to my place this evening and was in such a hurry to get the transaction done that I forgot to properly say goodbye to my old SE P1i. Was feeling a little sentimental because afterall it had accompanied me since the day I joined the current work place...

Anyway, I was happily toying with the new phone when Chick smsed. It was really meant to be a simple sms reply but the thing is, there was this persistent prompt to register for the SMS2.0 feature and I (stupidly) did so thinking that I should just get this over and done with so that I can do my sms reply. Wrong move. After registering for the so-called SMS2.0 feature, I could not even send my SMS because the system just kept leading me to some banner ad/news feature/ info page where the only option was to read more and more and more and more. Couldn't even find a "send" option.

Was so annoyed that I called the M1 customer service line. The lady on the other end just told me to wait till Nokia opens tomorrow to call the helpline... I was thinking "are you nuts??" Handphones are 24-hr devices and if you are promoting that so-called SMS 2.0 feature then you jolly well have the relevant round-the-clock support, especially with some thing as basic as SMS. To cut the long story short, I lodged a complaint (something I seldom do, really) and put it down on record that I find this ridiculous. 30 minutes later, another lady called and tried to explain to me the wonderful features of SMS 2.0. To which I still emphasise my point - the whole experience is ridiculous. In the end she agreed to do a trouble shoot for me. And the phone, after some stubborn attempts, managed to finally send that SMS. (Chick, now you know the full story).

The bottom line is, people don't care how fantastic the new feature is if you can't solve the basic needs. It's like giving me a golden toilet which can't flush properly when I just want to pee, right?